Sleeping with my Eyes Open

I shook hands with the Devil

2006-11-16T08:36:00.000-08:00

I called her and left her a message along the lines of this:

"Hey it's me. I know you probably don't want to hear from me right now and I KNOW I shouldn't be calling you either but I hope you take the time to really listen to this message. I know that you and I will always have our quirks. That's how this relationship is but I don't want to not have you around for the holidays. I don't want to miss out on the important things that are happening because time is short for us both. Look J. my issues are buried and I'm over the bullshit. I think we've been friends for too long to not allow each other to be a part of each other's lives everytime we go through this. Anyway the point of this message was to tell you that I'm willing to put it all aside ...well I can at least promise to try. Just think about it. Hopefully I'll hear from you soon."

For the first time in years I didn't hold my breath and I didn't check my phone every five minutes to check to see if she'd returned my call. No, I calmly went about my day here at work. I went home and started a good workout which totally whooped my ass. I have cuts on my hands from the punching bag and my legs are a little wobbly this morning but all in all it felt good to let go.

After leaving the message I felt a weight come off me. Maybe it was because I allowed myself to see past what she was doing to me and into what she no longer deserves. She will never hear any sweetness from my voice again. I will never say "I love you" and wait to see if she will return it, I will never say "I love you" again. I will not hold her hand while we watch movies or make room for her on my lap. I will not make her tea on her long days or go out of my way to have sweets at the house when she stops by. I will not send her flowers with words of honey for her to bask in. I will not be everything she needs because she doesn't deserve it from me. I am taking my heart back and I will make it whole again. She has no right to it anymore.

Maybe many men will lay in her bed. Maybe many men will kiss her lips. Maybe many men will run their hands over her body but none will be me. I will savor that as mine to have because none will know her the way I do.

SSHHhh...It's the silence that kills me

2006-11-14T12:54:00.000-08:00

I think I would rather be in a room of obnoxious drunk assholes than be alone inside my head. I can't make myself shut-up long enough to take a deep breath and let things go. There is nothing new happening here. This is not something I haven't already treaded through. This time it was a little too real to just chuck it aside. Like last year's fruitcake which you know you'll never eat but you keep it around because who knows you might actually try it someday.

I wish I could sit still long enough without her being there. I wish that I could be honest enough with myself and say Silent. you know it's never gonna happen baby. Then I'd want to hold myself and run my hands through my hair and let myself cry because sometimes the pain is really that unbearable.

I don't want to be consumed by the things that she's doing with someone else. I don't want to think about how he gets to spend the much deserved time that I want before she leaves. She's with him because we were falling in love again and it scared her. She doesn't want to feel this way. I don't want to either. Not anymore. I thought I did but after the long binge of last week and the endless thoughts and dreams that won't give me peace I'm almost positive I don't want her either. At least not in that way. We're fine. We'll always be "cool" as she likes to put it.

But I'm not and that is the reality of it and I'm the one that has to live with that. I'm the one that's laying in bed alone just wishing someone would feel this way about me. I can't carry her stuff around on my shoulders. My load is already much to heavy to try to figure things out for someone else.

It reminds me of a lines from my favorite Poet Pablo Neruda: "I don’t love her, that’s certain, but perhaps I love her.Love is brief: forgetting lasts so long."

I want to travel and see the world. I want to wake up in the mornings and not feel so heavy and alone. I want to enjoy the little things and get to know other people but I can't seem to function and somedays I just don't want too. I want to be able to share the things that I want to with someone real not just with the reader's (and you guys are great for even stopping here). I'm just tired of trying to make sense of things all the time.

I should say....

2006-11-08T15:59:00.000-08:00

That between the two posts the Oct and the new one today.

Things had been "lovely". That's the word she likes to use.

I should say that I didn't fill in the details for fear that today's post is exactly where I thought I would be from the last post. We moved on together from the boy only to come back to him a month later. In the same circle.I will not fill in the blanks. Cause quite frankly I feel like it's not worth it after today. I was ready to write the fairy tale ending not realizing that like Adam (from the bible) I bit into the apple the minute our lips met.

The greatest fool of all time.

2006-11-08T15:00:00.000-08:00

"Silent you should move on," she says. "It's not that I don't love my daughter but she doesn't deserve you."

Are you tired of reading it? Because I'm tired of writing about it. I'm tired of feeling this confused and unhappy. I'm tired of living my life by a thread just waiting. Waiting for her to call so I can drop everything and be consumed by her only to be spit out again. Come back again real soon. I'll be waiting here to take everything you have just to watch you bleed again at the end. Then I would gather my soul and the shards that are left of my heart and put myself together certain that this time the armor is strong enough.

"I pray for it to go away," I answer back. "I PRAY for it to go away that's how bad I get."

She sighed. She called me to let me know that the psycho that I was trying to get Her away from started coming around again. The one she swore off of. I haven't heard from her since last Wed. No response to my v/mails. Nothing in return to my text's. I knew it was happening again. She's changed and usually that means another man.

"She just can't accept that she might be...you know?" she answered.

"I don't really talk about it anymore. You know how they say its like beating a dead horse? My horse is nothing but bones now," I laughed thinking that it was a pretty clear picture.

So we talked for a total of three hours today and I spilled everything. I spilled the last few months. I spilled about our constant cycle. I spilled about the tension and the uncertainty. I spilled about feeling abandoned as soon as she takes what she needs.

"I hope someday I find someone that adores me the way you do with her," she said after a while.

"I'm sick......I can't feel this sick anymore....no one deserves this pain. It's not worth it," I said. "I can't accept that I've made these last eight years up. I can't accept that it's only been me this whole way. That's a fucken long time you know?"

"It's not just you. I can tell you that," she answered vaguely.

I wanted to ask her "Does she talk about me? Does she say anything about us? Please just tell me." But I don't. I know the answers. I've always known the answers. So instead......

"Is he staying the night?" I asked.

Two weeks ago I had sent her flowers to her job. I had placed my words in the most beautiful order. When I read it back to myself it made ME smile and they weren't even meant for me. She called me to ask instead "Did you send me flowers?" It fucked up my day. Later when she realized how short I was being she asked what was wrong.

"I think you think that HE sent you those flowers. So it takes the meaning away. It's almost like you were hoping they were from someone else instead of me," I answered. I was so pissed and disappointed at the same time.

"OMG stop. Don't waste your energy on that...I'm not sitting at work romanticizing about him. He would never use those words or know what to say the way you do. You just signed differently and I wasn't sure," she answered defensively.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm tired and I didn't mean to come off like that."

I suppose all red flags should have come up then but you see I'm color blind with her. Any flag is always going to look white because believe it or not she is all I see. The answer to the question is yes he's staying the night and according to all accounts he isn't just sleeping there. So for the third time these last two weeks I have cried myself to sleep. Not really understanding what any of this means.

I don't know that I'll ever let anyone this close again. I know that I can become the person I was before coming home from the military. The one that uses people to fill the void. The person that drinks until it aches because I think I'm more charming that way. I'm done trying to be the "right one". I have proven myself and my heart over and over to her. I have done EVERYTHING that most of you would dream of and that's what makes it worse. The fact that most of us are waiting around for exactly what I have given her.

Does this mean this is the last I write of her. No because if you've been following I am the greatest fool of all time.

I hate

2006-10-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

To write about the things that are happening to me right now. I'm ready to die from the inside. I didn't expect her mom to call me. To tell me that things aren't going as well as they should be. Please call her and talk to her. I told her I've been calling since Sunday and she won't return or pick up my calls. She took a deep breath. She made me promise so I promised.

"She's seeing someone," she said quietly.

And slowly and clearly my world has come undone. Slowly and clearly I have been a fool from the start. Slowly and clearly I am sick with words that I can not even begin to explain.

Slowly I answered, "Since when?"

I though of the flowers and the little notes. I thought of our time together. I thought of the stupid confessions and all the lies that she's fed me. I love you. It's what most of us wish to hear. It's what most of us live for and crave. I see my future clearly. I am becoming something I'm not going to like and right now I'd rather have that than the shit that is living inside of me.

"It's that guy she was seeing. The young one that she went to the christmas party with?" she was whispering.

"Yeah I know who it is.....what the fuck?" I said.

"You promised," she reminded me.

"I know...I'm not going to say anything. She'll tell me eventually," I said. My hand started to shake a little. I leaned against my car and put it in my pocket.

"You know I wouldn't have called you. Except that I don't trust him. He's a con and he's gonna ask her to marry him," she said.

The wind went out of me then. I watched as the planes took off on the flatline. Marry. Him. I feel like I pushed her into it. I caused her to run into someone elses arms because she doesn't want to feel anything remotely intimate with me.

"It's my fault," I whispered. "She does this everytime we get emotionally involved."

This isn't like the movies. The good guy won't win this battle.

"He's gonna try to move in before we leave. He's gonna try to come with us and I'm scared for her and us as a family," she confided.

"Look," I took a deep breath. "We'll fix it ok. I'll get it out of her and then we'll go from there. I haven't met him but I don't like that he just shows up out of no where to sweep her of her feet."

"Ok. I'm sorry. I just didn't know who else to call. She listens to you," she said.

"Is she falling for it?" I needed to know.

She took a deep breath, "***** I won't lie to you and tell you that nothing is happening with them. It wouldn't be right to lead you to believe that nothing is there between them. He fed her a story about how he got beat up and he doesn't have anywhere to go. He shammed his way into that last place and now he wants to do it to her. He asked to move in. He asked her daughter if he could marry her mom. It's bullshit. All of it is bullshit."

Kind of like what she is doing to me. I thought.

"So maybe she is then huh?"

"I hope not," she said.

We hung up the phone and instead of coming into my office I sat in my car. Lost in the conversation I just had. My hands start to shake everytime I give it too much thought. She isn't stupid that's the thing that's bothering me. I have to wonder why she's doing it. I have to wonder if I already know the answer.

I wish

2006-10-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

I were there. I wish I was right there getting tanked at some stinky old bar. I wish I was there laughing about the "grown-up" diaper that you have on. I wish that I was there to forget life and say fuck it.

Today a very close friend of mine called me to tell me that she had cervical cancer. We were watching the Real World/RR challenge on Sunday and one of the girls on there was in remission from the very same thing. I remember thinking "God at that age...." The girl was 24. My friend is 29. When she told me this morning I felt another quick stab in my heart.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked. I didn't THINK that I heard her right.

"Look, it's like I told my sister. It's not like I haven't done everything I had set out to do in my life." I cut her off.

"What the fuck *****. Don't say that. You didn't even know how bad it is," I felt my tears come up.

"It's cancer babe. There is no where else left to go but up after that kind of news," she said.

"What are you doing?" I asked quite suddenly aware of her silence.

"Getting high before I go get my biopsy," she giggled a little.

"How many beers?" I asked. Knowing with a sudden reality that she wasn't going to face any of this alone much less sober.

"Including the one I'm having? Three," her coarse laugh filled my senses.

She has this contagious laugh. I love when she just lets go and has a good laugh. Most of the time we were sitting side by side going toe to toe, beer after beer. After her appointment she called me.

"Hey did you know they give you adult diapers?" she asked. "I never wore pads this fucken big back when I did get a period."

I couldn't help but laugh. I don't want to feel like she's going to be a victim of this "thing". She's been a fighter for as long as I've known her.

"Uhm no I didn't know that. Please tell me you aren't enjoying wearing that thing?" I asked laughing.

"Fuck you dude," she said laughing. "I'm going to go pick up my mom but I wanted to call and tell you that I won't know where I am until Friday. They made me cancel my work trip though so.....who knows."

"How many now?" I asked. I couldn't help but think of the past. We weren't good at dealing with anything. Instead we drank until one of use puked. We drank until she would flash the bar for a free shot. We drank until we didn't need a dare to run into the cold ass water at 2am in the morning in ALL our clothes just to say that we did.

"Not enough, I wish you were here right now. At least I'd have someone that wouldn't try to talk about it. We'd just sit around and play shitty jukebox music, talk and have a good laugh," she said. "This sucks *****."

"Hey you know as soon as you know the dates I'm the first one on the plane....but you have to tell me. If you don't say anything I won't know," I felt everything inside me turn.

"I love you. I have to go," and she hung up.

"I love you too," I said to the dead air.

I'm scared for her. For all kinds of reasons. The least of them being the cancer.

When I was young

2006-10-14T15:36:00.000-07:00

When I was young I used to clean when I got upset. I couldn't sit in my room and just cry. I've never been good at that. When my parents would fight or my dad would make me so angry that I could feel myself getting sick I would clean the kitchen. Sometimes he would taunt me.

"Oh she's cleaning today. She must be mad," he would say as he drank his beers.

I refused to cry. I refused to let him get to me but one day he pissed me off so bad that as I cleaned his car I decided that it would be funny to kick his door. So I did. He charged at me from inside the house a beer in his hand. I started laughing and crying with the hose still in my hand. The water spilled onto my shoes but I didn't feel it until one of my aunts came and took the hose out of my hand. She put her hand on my back and led my inside to take my shoes and socks off.

I remembered that story today as I started to clean the kitchen.

"Hey," she said.

"Hi," I answered.

"Guess what?" she asked.

"You are coming over to see me?" I answered.

"You're funny. I got my certification for cosmetology in Hawaii," she answered.

I sat down. The boys were on the computer looking for a book. We were supposed to go to the book store and to dinner later.

"Wow congrats. What does that mean exactly?" I asked. I didn't want to really here the answer.

"Well the classes I have to take are in January," she said.

"Damn so you are gonna have to fly back out there?" I asked. I felt my stomach clench.

"No, that means we have to be moved and done with this place by then," she answered. She sounded so excited.

"Well congrats," I answered.

I knew she was planning on going back. We had been talking about it for almost two months now. I helped her get in touch with some people while she was out there two days ago. I KNEW she was ready to go. I know now that I'm not sure I'm going to be able to deal with it.

"I just wanted to share. I'll call you later ok?" she asked.

"Yeah, of course," I answered.

We hung up and the kitchen was a mess. We had cooked brunch for our neighbors after a long night of drinking and funny movies. So I started to clean. I remembered how when I was young I used to do the same thing when I didn't know how to deal with what was going on inside. The boys got up and I asked about their book trying to be casual but I couldn't hold it in.

"She's leaving," I said to no one in particular.

"Yeah but you knew she was going," Jose answered. "It's not like you won't be able to see her you said you might have the chance to go out there."

"It's over Jose. It's over and this has been stupid from the start," I answered. I felt my tears come up. "It's always been fucken stupid."

I cleaned the remains of brunch of the plates and stared as the water ran over my hands. You are not going to cry. You are not going to cry because you knew it was going to happen. Not now....not after two weeks ago. Not now...not after the talks. Not now...not after feeling her lips against mine and her laying next to me. Not after hearing her say "I love you." Not now. Please. Not now.

I can't stop crying. I want to be happy for her I know it's what she needs. I want to not feel helpless. I want to feel indifferent but I can't help the pain inside. I can't help but feel like this has always been the dumbest idea ever. That the love I feel for her could possibly come together again only to be taken from me again. What did I do? What have I done? That the one thing that can save me and make me feel complete keeps walking away from me. Keeps taunting and haunting and hurting this way.

"Is this your way of dealing?" Rene asks.

"Yes," I said and I thought of that time when I let the water spill all over me when I was younger.

Time for a little truth

2006-09-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

My godmother had a heart attack last week on Friday night. My godmother makes me feel loved unconditionally. She took me into her arms when I was six months old as my parents struggled to make a life for me here in the U.S. I was raised until I was six years old on an farm with her in poverty. I grew up among the hired help, chasing pigs and cows. I actually had a monkey as a pet. I used to climb trees when I didn't want to be found. Mostly when I was upset.

When my aunt called me Saturday afternoon eight days after it happened I totally lost control of myself. While I have had people pass in my life I couldn't for a moment imagine that happening to her. When I go back to Guatemala and she hugs me she holds me so close. So close and for as long as I need to be. I am 29 years old and this summer while we were there she still tucked me when I went to bed. She would kiss me on the forehead and tell me that she loved me. Saturday when I went to my parent's house to call and make sure that things were going to be ok I walked into my house and my blood mother didn't stop to ask me why I was crying. She pretended that nothing was going on. She went about her business of being an angry drunk.

I can't explain what empty feels like most of the time. It's this big hollow feeling inside and all your thoughts bounce of each other echoing and making the little things seem so much bigger than they really are. I'm used to her lack of emotion with me. I needed her to ask me that day. I needed to know that if anything ever happened to my godmother I still had a mother to comfort me. That wasn't the case.

When I came home after talking to my godmom and I cried. I cried cause I don't know what would happen to me if I lost my godmother. I cried because the person that is supposed to give us the most comfort in our time of need didn't offer hers to me. I cried cause I didn't want to compare them. I cried because I was acting immature with my sister and it took this sudden news for me to call her to tell her that I loved her. I cried because the only other person I could think of for comfort was HER. She couldn't pick up her phone and I knew she was at work but when she did get the message and she did call I laid into her for my pain. She didn't deserve it I'm sure of it now but at that moment I said things that I shouldn't have. Now I don't know if she'll ever speak to me again.

I caused that. Not because I wanted too but because I was angry and feeling more alone than I have in a long, long time. The boys have been great to me since Saturday. Jose had to deal with my tears most of the day Saturday. I told him what I told her and how she took it (not so good I should mention) and he kept trying to tell me it was for the best. I went to work that night to distract myself and when I strolled in at 3am to my empty bed I cried again. I can't take it back and I'm sorry is never going to be good enough.

Now she isn't coming to the engangement party and the last words she said to me were, "I'll talk to you when I talk to you." **click. I wonder if something happened to me tomorrow if she'll remember those words. Then I think of the things that I said and I want to take them back.

I wish I could just be by my godmother's side. I wish that I could step out of myself and just be happy. I will. I always do. Infact I'm on a plane next Monday night for a cross country trip with one of my favorite girls but I have to wonder if for the rest of my life I'll be running away from me.

The Jets Flew above My Head

2006-09-11T20:23:00.000-07:00

Right before the big Raiders game tonight. I had to escort the Air Force crew onto the jet way and pretend that I knew enough about the aviation company that they could trust me to get things done. We stood around and bullshitted as I told the guys about my days on the field for the ProBowl when I was in the Marine Corps. They didn't believe me at first.

"You don't look like a Marine," one said.

"What does one look like?" I asked laughing.

"Well I don't know. You are so tiny," he said.

"I'm not tiny. I'm just not a giant grunt threatning to rip your throat out for looking at me the wrong way," I answered.

His commander laughed as we watched the four jet planes make their turn around to fly over the stadium. The roar of the crowd could clearly be heard from where we were standing. I watched the sunset reflect off of the windows on the hills behind the stadium making them shimmer in red and bright orange. The sky was clear and still. I wanted to be on one of those planes. I wanted nothing more than to be as far away from myself as I could be. The guys cheered the pilots on as they flew back over our heads. I stiffled a laugh.

"What's so funny?" the commander asked.

"Nothing sir it's just that I kind of forgot what that rush felt like," I answered.

"You are a Marine," he said. "They never forget and neither should you."

I am nostalgic for other times and other places. Now just isn't as good as it's supposed to be.

I'm not Dead

2006-09-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

I just haven't written anything or had the motivation to share anymore.

It's not that things aren't going well. I got a new job. I'm moving along. I'm thinking of quitting the bar because I'm burned out on it. It's not my life but the extra money is nice.

I feel like I'm in charge but not really. I'm antsy and need something...no scratch that. I need someone to make me feel interesting again. It's been so long since anyone has even tried. I actually believe there is something wrong with me. I know there isn't though.

Wish I had more to write. My mind is clogged.

Pour me another glass of wine

2006-08-09T22:13:00.000-07:00

Pour me another glass of wine because it's better than drowning in whiskey or tequila and even though the slow songs won't stop playing in my mind I am eating again. Once I drink a bottle of wine I forget that I haven't been hungry for a few days and I eat a meal at the end of the night before going to bed. I forget that I broke down on the way to my new job. I forget that I can't appreciate where my life is going because I keep looking back hoping that somewhere I'll find her again. I forget that the only text I have received reads "I think we need to talk" because before I left for my trip I was pretty sure that she was falling in love with me again and when I came back all I found was her denial.

I've have found a new job at the airport. My background and fingerprint checks came back clear. I was jobless for almost a week. I sat at home and cleaned house and ran errands and swore that the bottle wouldn't bring me comfort but sadly it has. It's nourished my tired soul. The background check was a big deal to me. After my spiraling downfall. After my rise from my mistakes. After refusing to lay down and not get up again. I wanted to share it with someone. I told my friends. They gave me the best support but in the back of my mind I found myself thinking "Why won't she call me? Why doesn't she care anymore?"

We drove home today (my roommate and I) after my first day of work. I'm going into this office and I'm going to make things right again. I'm going to bury myself in the task of straightening this mess up because that is what I am good at. I need a purpose. I need something else to occupy my mind but today as we drove home across the highway I looked up into the clear blue sky and wondered why I needed her at all anymore. I stuck my hand out into the heavy air and watched as my arm bounced up and down from the pressure of the wind as we whisked along the highway to this place we call home. I felt a sudden need to cry again because I can not understand anymore what this is all about. I can't accept that this is what I am going to live with for the rest of my life.

At the end I wish I had someone to share my failures and triumphs with. I wish I had someone to call in those moments when the winds of life have shifted. I wish I had someone that cared enough to ask me how my day went. I wish I had someone at all. I wish I didn't think of her when those moments came because that is when I realize that she's never going to care enough to think of me.

So tonight/today depending on when you read this. If you do have someone that maybe you haven't shown your appreciation for do it. Sometimes saying "I love you" isn't enough. Sometimes a kiss in the morning won't do either. Remember that moment when your breath caught and you realized that you can't imagine your life without them. Remember THAT moment and hold on to it because without it there is only the end.

My moment? It was on a night that my car wouldn't start and I had to call my brother to come get me at the college. We walked hand in hand looking for a pay phone and as we waited for him to come get us she took my face into her hands and kissed me like there would never be another tomorrow. She simply said to me "I fucken love you" and I believed her. I'll believe that for the rest of my life. I was 21. I am 29 now.

It's Time

2006-08-01T14:56:00.000-07:00

I feel a little lost right now. As many changes as I've made. As many trips as I have gone on in the past month I feel like I lost it all again.

See things were different this time. There were moments when she wasn't so afraid to look into my eyes. We stopped playing games and were what we used to be for almost two months. We were friends. We talked and laughed and did things together. I feel like I was cheated this time because I know this time it wasn't in my head. I felt it. What happens is that I give and give and give until I can't give anymore. Then I am left with nothing but a drained soul while someone has taken what I have given and planted it somewhere else. It's not fair.

Take my hand I say. Take it and trust me and we can do this together and she does everytime and then just when I think she's not going to let go. She is gone.

What is it that won't let go. I know I'm going to spend a lifetime waiting. I'm going to spend a lifetime lost in it. I feel like I'll never be worth anyone else's affections. I won't be worth anyone else's attention if it doesn't come from her.

I feel so empty. Empty and lonely.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

2006-07-24T15:06:00.000-07:00

I feel like my time is running out but I'm not sure from what.

I am restless and feeling useless. I haven't slept in my bed for about two weeks. We have house guests whom I adore. I've been sleeping restlessly on the couch. Toss and turn. Toss and turn.
It's not the couch that keeps me up at night though. It's me and the constant thoughts the tumble around in my mind. There are days when I know what's going on with me. There are days when my focus is on point. There are days when I don't look back. Then there are days when I can't see right from left and up from down.

I came back from Vegas knowing that I had to give things a try. Like not drinking during the week (failed miserably). Trying to spend time with other people (I was pretty much made to feel like and asshole and I probably deserved since this girl was apparently being strung along by me and I didn't even know it.) Trying to ride my bike to work (I bought the helmet and the pump that's a start). I just don't have the drive to make things happen. I'm given chances only to find that I prefer to be home alone with my drink and the television.

I miss her again. She isn't too blame. It's my fault for expecting too much from her. It's my fault for feeling this doomed with out her. Someday I know this will all pass. Someday.

Thank God for toys.....seriously.

Vegas at Night

2006-07-15T19:36:00.000-07:00

It's not that I don't have things to see in Vegas. I've been here for two days watching people through their money away.

My roommates are now engaged. Their eyes glowed last night as we sat around the VIP lounge in the most known gay bar of the area. I packed the ring myself when we were getting ready Thursday morning. I opened the little black box when Rene went to go get lunch. I sat on my bed and imagined what it would be like to go through what Jose was going to do.

The sun is now setting over the Vegas hills. I wish I could describe perfectly the view. I wish I could describe the hues and the way the sun hits the mountains as Sin City comes to life. The sun is a bright orange against the blue and purples skies. One can ONLY imagine what is happening in the strip minute after minute. I haven't participated in the drunkeness that surrounds me like I thought I would. I find myself watching others instead. I want to give in though. I want to dive right in but the reality is that this place scares me.

Last night I watched this beautiful boy glisten under the hot lights of the dance club. His hair clung to his face as he slithered his body in order to get a tip. I pulled him aside eventutally because that is what I do. I see beauty and I want it for me. I want to put it in my pocket. I found myself thinking how sex rules this place. Sex. Sex for money. Money for sex. Money is it's own form of sex. Sin city. Sin city and all of a sudden I realize that I am too old for any of this.

It's amazing to see the swarm of people move along the streets at night. I rememeber how when I was younger I would have more than been a part of it. The guys have gotten tattoos and piercings and I didn't have the balls for it. They rode the rides at the top of the tallest building in the city and I didn't have the balls for it but I encourage it. I want them to experience this place.

I feel like I am cheating myself. Somewhere in this city is my perfect sin. I haven't found it yet but I crave it. I want it.

Father's Day

2006-06-19T15:21:00.000-07:00

I walked into the house Sunday morning. I noticed the silence of it right away. It seemed so empty to me. So lonely. I tried to open my dad's door but it was locked. I tried to open my old room door but it was locked too.

"Hello?" I said.

There was no answer so I checked my mom's room. She was sitting on the edge of her bed looking out of her window. Her hair was tied back into a messy pony tail. She had on a skirt with a light blue blouse. She bent her back forward and then slouched back down. She had been drinking you could smell it as soon as you walked into her room. She still hadn't erased the little note I left her on her mirror with some old lip stick.

"Hi Mom! I love you with all my heart. XOXOXOXOXOXO **my name**"

She jumped a little when she realized I was standing there and I smiled and leaned in to give her a kiss on the forehead. I looked at her face. Her eyes were so sad.

"Hi mija," she said and got up to check her makeup. I remembered once when she accidently put on blue eye liner on her eye brows instead of the black to darken her thinning hair. She was unsettled and anxious. I knew she had popped her tire again on Friday night after being out at a friends. The only time it happens is when she is drinking and driving. My brother came in and gave her a hug. Her face lit up a little bit. Maybe it's because I can see through her. Sometimes the sadness in her eyes reminds me of mine. I walked away. I used to get jealous but not so much anymore. I've learned to take love the way it is given and to not expect more than that. Sometimes that's all you are going to get.

"Do you think you and your sister could help me with my tire?" she was asking him as they walked into the kitchen.

She wouldn't have asked me directly. She looked quickly at me and then back at him. I wondered if he was going to ask her what happened and before I could open my mouth to get to the dirty part of the day he spoke. I watched him. He was the good boy. He was the perfect son. I wasn't jealous of him though. I wasn't him and I was happy about that.

"Were you drinking when you popped the tire?" he asked aggressively.

Her eyes sparked and then the tears started to build. I looked at the floor. I can't stand to see my mother cry for many, many reasons no matter how angry I am.

"I can't get a flat tired without being accused of drinking?" she said. Her anger taking over whatever defeat I had seen in her eyes just a few seconds ago.

"Ma we can fix the tire," I said. "It's just that the only time this happens is when you drink."

She fidgeted with her hands a little and I felt a tug at my heart. I feel so sorry for her. I feel so scared that she is going to wind up dead or in jail. I feel so helpless in knowing that none of us can take whatever is eating away at her inside away. Mostly I am scared that she is going to die alone because she won't give anyone a chance to help her. My brother justsighed heavily and walked outside to look at the tire. I walked over to her and took her hands into mine. I noticed all the wrinkles and her chipped finger nail polish. Then I looked her right in the eyes she held them long enough to know what I was going to say wasn't going to be nice.

I kissed her forehead, "Ma jail is no place for a woman like you. Trust me ok?"

She gave my had a squeeze, "I know mija."

Our moment was over. My dad walked in and I gave him a huge hug hello. He ignored my mom and walked into his room to change out of his work clothes. I turned to look at her and she walked back to her room. I thought of how alone they both were. I wondered when it all happened. I went into my dad's room as he sat in his chair. He put his heads into his hands and sighed heavily. I sat on the arm of the chair and put my hand on his back to rub it a little.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Nothing your mother decided she wanted to get drunk and drive home Friday night. I don't know what she fucken hit but her tire popped again. She woke me up at midnight because she couldn't get the damned key into the hole. I had to work at 2am. I'm tired mija," he said.

"When did you start locking the doors?" I asked.

"She goes into the rooms and starts looking through everything. Then things go missing and she's the only one that is here on the weekends," he said quietly. "I'm not going to ruin today because I know you are all here for me but when we get back I'm going straight to the lawyer's office. I can't do this anymore."

He walked out to say hello to the rest of my brother's and sister as they walked in. I didn't say anything to any one of them. We were going to try to have a good day. There was no reason to bring it up again. My brother and I got into the car to go to the store to get the things for dinner.

"Are you ok?" he asked.

"Yeah I was just thinking about mom. How she may as well be a dog locked up in a cage as far as dad is concerned. Did you know he locks the doors now so she can't go into any of the other rooms?" I felt my tears come up slowly. I hated the idea of locking her out of the rooms.

"Well what do you expect?" he said coldly. "She goes through everything when she is drunk. Don't feel sorry for her."

"Fuck you ****. The same thing could be said about you and me too. Especially when you call me all fucked up on Saturday's to cry about some stupid shit. You think I want to listen to that for the rest of my life?" I spit back. I wanted to fucken smack the shit out of him. Fucken prick.

"That's not the same thing," he said back angrily.

"Why cause you don't want to think that you are like her? That we'll wind up just like her if we keep drinking the way we do. It's easy to judge her but fucken look at yourself first. You're no fucken different. Only difference is that you lock yourself up in your room and fucken drink alone and then pretend that you don't have a hang over the next morning," I said.

The conversation ended shortly after that. There was never any point in talking to them. Or anyone on the matter. I watched as she tried to hang out the rest of the day. My dad never said anything to her. My sister and I kept her in the conversation. We like to make her laugh so we both have our way of bringing it out. Even when she doesn't want too. She went to lie down at about 8:30pm while we sat around and watched the rest of the game. When I went to go check on her she had fallen asleep in her nighty. Her hands lay lazily on her tummy and her legs were curled under her. I went to put the blankets on her and kissed her head goodnight. She smiled a little and turned her head the other way. I watched her sleep for a little while feeling the sadness come barrelling at me again.

Are you still writing?

2006-06-14T10:41:00.000-07:00

Her mom asked me yesterday as we sat in her living room eating dinner at her place. I remember telling her that I wrote many, many ages ago. Before I even knew what a blog was when I was still writing in notebooks, napkins or the back of a void check.

"No," I answered immedialty. "Well I write but not any poetry or anything. I just kind of randomly write I guess."

I don't think She knows about this page. I don't want Her to find it. Yet I'm all right with everyone else who still reads or with the complete strangers that visit according to the counter. I'd feel too vulnerable to Her if She found it. I feel guilty for not telling Her. I felt guilty for lying about not writing anymore. I'm here doing it now.

"You know you inspired me to start my first book," her mom told me.

"Really? I don't see how," I said.

"You probably don't remember but you said something along the lines of putting it out there for other people to read and to feel," she said.

"Well I'm glad I could help I think," I said laughing.

Her mom has written two poetry books with a very small publishing company. She is currently working on her third book which she will be collaborate with Her.

"I don't think I've read anything you have written," her mom says to me.

I remember feeling flushed and over the conversation. I stole a look at Her as she served dinner She had a slight smile on her face.

"I don't tend to really share," I said. (another lie)

"You should," her mom said. "I mean you have things to say I'm sure. You should write something to put into the third book."

She turned to her mom, "That is a GREAT idea. I think you should too."

I looked her in the eyes and then back into my plate. I don't want too. I could but that would mean opening myself up to them. Exposing my insides and letting them all come tumbling out. I don't want to be picked apart because of the things I would write. This morning as I lay in my bed I thought it could be so easy to feed them something. They would think it was wonderful because words have this impact on them and I would want to paint them something beautiful. But it would be a lie because I couldn't tell them honestly that I expose myself on an almost daily basis. I expose myself and thankfully no one has ripped me apart.

Ride baby Ride

2006-06-12T16:20:00.000-07:00

Maybe it was because we all hadn't hung out with each other in so long. Maybe it was the sun just being near the lake. It could have been a number of things but the fact of the matter is that there was something special about being at the lake together yesterday. The day started early for me. The alarm sounded at 6:30am and I was at the Safeway picking up things for breakfast by 7am.

I planned it so that I could spend time with everyone since I'm not going to be here for my birthday this year. I wanted to be with family and close friends. The lake was perfect. The day was clear and warm and we rolled out of my house at 10am. Four car fulls and one was all ready there. My sister picked out the perfect spot. A few picnic tables under some trees right by the water. Everyone's mood was light and happy. We joked as Jose fired up the grill to start cooking the burgers, dogs and ribs. I was all ready tipsy at noon. I skipped breakfast because I was running around all morning and I skipped eating all together cause I was too busy drinking beer and swimming in the water.

There was something magical yesterday. Everyone was laughing and running around in the water like they hadn't seen each other in years. It had only been days I'm sure. I woke up this morning with a sun burn and bruises on my legs from riding around on the jetskies which my brothers graciously rented for everyone. I woke up feeling like it felt the day had been fast forwarded and all I wanted to do was hit rewind. When I called everyone this morning to say thank you for coming the feeling was mutual. Everyone said that it was one of the best days they could remember. I hoping for many more now that the days are getting warmer.

I have someone

2006-06-07T16:35:00.000-07:00

who wants to come over and cook me dinner
who wants to make me feel better
who wants to kiss me
who wants to hold me
who wants to save me from myself

but she is not you and i don't know what to do.

Some Words are Just Pregnant with Meaning

2006-06-02T16:06:00.000-07:00

There was an older man that came into the store this week. He came in chose some pots and I drilled holes into them. He seemed snobby to me at first. Not asking me but more commanding me to find him this or that in the store. He came in Wed to ask if I knew where the chocolate store was. After the first contact I had no desire to sit and make idle talk with him. Fortunately for him I did happen to know what store he was looking for so I gave him directions. He thanked me and asked my name.

"*****," I said.

"That's such a pretty name. It fits you well I have to say," he said.

I found myself smiling and thanking him sincereley. We wound up having idle chit-chat for about fifteen minutes. He came in today to pick up his goods with his gardner. He told me about his 200 year old California oak tree that he has in his yard. He estimated the date for its birth in 1786 some time. He had someone come and "age" the tree not too long ago he told me.

"1786," I said. "That is amazing."

"It was here before San Francisco even existed," he said with a smile.

"If you think about it," he said slyly. "It was here before white people were even on this side of the continent."

He seemed to enjoy this piece of knowledge and laughed a slow laugh to himself. I rang him up and walked him back to his truck as the gardner put the last of the pots in. He was telling me that he would have loved to work out in the open at my age.

"You get to just be a part of the day instead of sitting in some office," he said smiling.

"Yeah, it's acually been rather nice," I said.

"Good at least you appreciate it. Most people don't appreciate the small simple things. Do you want to see something?" he asks quite suddenly.

"Sure," I said watching the gardner secure everything onto the truck. When I looked he had taken his hat off and was showing me the scar from a surgery he had.

"I am bionic now," he said laughing again. "They put four bars into my brain and it runs all the way through my skeleton and connects here. I can turn myself off and on."

He pulled his shirt away from his chest revealing another scar where his heart is. I looked him in the eyes as he told me the rest of his story.

"For 25 years I couldn't lift a cup without spilling it everywhere. I couldn't go out to eat at public places because I couldn't hold myself still, "he said. "I have a really bad tremor but they fixed me one month ago today. The day you gave me directions to the chocolate place I stopped at this wonderful paper place. I bought beautiful paper and a fountain pen and you know what I did?" he asked looking into my eyes.

"What?" I asked.

"I wrote a love letter to my partner," his eyes teared up. "Remember what I am about to tell you. Never take the small things for granted."

I felt a tug at my heart and my breath caught in my throat. He smiled and patted my shoulder. I'm sure he saw the emotion he unexpectedly stirred in me. He got into his truck and waved as they pulled away. Sitting here now, writing this I feel guilty for not picking up a pen. For losing that connection between my heart and the words that I used to pen onto paper. They seem more real to me than sitting her typing this entry.

**The title was a sentence he said while we had our conversation and I thought it was perfect.

Looking Back

2006-05-30T15:24:00.000-07:00

I'm watching you sit with your head nestled into your shoulder on the drive back from the spa. I'm watching you with your long legs curled against the passenger side door. I'm watching you sleep on the way home. Your mom is playing some old 80's CD. I catch her watching me in the mirror but I don't look away because I am memorizing the look on your face. You in the front seat, your mom driving us home, me teaching your daughter how to use the new digital camera you got for your birthday. I wonder every time how long it will last.

I think about the entire weekend and I am drained because at that very moment while you sleep in the seat in front of me a sadness plants itself in me that I can not shake. I didn't stay for dinner. I couldn't stay. I was drowning in the grip that my heart had on my mind. I can't say what I am thinking. It's too much and the words fall on empty ears.

I am as silent and I want the storm that is swirling inside to be calm again.

It's Over

2006-05-18T12:22:00.000-07:00

I sat in the parking lot of that stinky building for the last time last night. No more sitting in circles just so we can avoid contact with each other. No more having to listen to how everyone else's life is worse than mine. No more questions about why we still drink. No more listening to how some of them found God and gave up the bottle. I wondered often times how many of them just said that so that the counselors would stop asking them the same things over and over again. No more filling out weekly or monthly descriptions of how things have changed since receiving the DUI.

Three years. That's a lifetime.

You're an alcoholic.
Your parents are alcoholics.
You have to find the core of your drinking problem.
You need to stop drinking.

At the beginning I found myself believing them. Allowing them to drain me of myself. Fuck it I'd say after class and have a drink just to have it.

This place makes me want to drink even more.

The guy that had come out of jail had a chip on his shoulder. He would NEVER shut up. Bitch this and bitch that......I'm not like him I'd say as I sat across from him. I AM NOT LIKE YOU. Jail heads, wife beaters, crack heads, hustlers, some pretty boys whose BMW's got taken away. I AM NOT LIFE YOU. But I was kind of. Like it or not we all had something in common now. We fucked up. We got caught. We were all one in the same.

Yesterday evening I sat in the parking lot of the stinky building and couldn't bring myself to turn on the car. A sudden fear of driving home shook me. "What if I get pulled over?" "What if someone hits me?" "What if I hit someone?" What if. What if. I leaned my head against the stearing wheel and took a deep breath. The paper stating that I was done sat neatly on my lap. Three years is a long time and yesterday at 6:30pm it was all over.

"Do me a favor?" my counselor said as she signed the sheet.

"What's up Jackie?" I asked.

"Don't come back here ok? Make good and learn from this and don't come back. You don't belong here," she said and slid the paper over to me.

"I'm not coming back Jackie," I said with a smile.

How many times had I said that the first time around. I hadn't even been out a month when I got the second one. I felt the tears come up as I lifted my head from the steering wheel. I took a deep breath and turned the ignition. It was time to go home.

I'm gonna try to not look back. Forward you. Forward. Another chapter closes. A new one begins. So many new things have happened this year and it's only May. A busy summer looks me in the eyes. This is the first year when I have felt this free. Living my life the only way I know how. Happily.

It's Gone

2006-05-14T09:46:00.000-07:00

All of it. I cut my hair off. All of it.

Trying to explain what I felt before and even after is kind of hard being that I just did it yesterday. My hair was a ridiculous length long. It reached the top of my perky little bottom. It came to mind for a change Friday afternoon. Wearing my hair back all the time was just boring and I am not a boring person. So after getting three million opinions and then calling my parents to tell them I was cutting it off it began.

To make it THAT more dramatic I had my personal stylist do it for me (yes I have one of those now). My babez got all teary eyed when she snipped the pony tail off. I am donating my locks to the Cancer Association. Might as well do something good with it. Every time I look at it I keep thinking that the cut off pony tail is going to slither like a snake and come after me for getting rid of it. I had to put it in a drawer so it wouldn't creep me out.

I call it a Domino cut (named after Keira Knightely in that movie Domino). I LOVE it. Simply love it and the fact that the stylist was drooling on herself everytime she looked at me only made me LOVE it even more.

It's hot bitches. Now I'm gonna go get a tattoo and pierce my ears. Maybe it's a mid-life crisis thing. I turn 29 next month. But my haircut is sassy and once I learn to master how to really style it....it's on.

My Green Card

2006-05-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to give it up when they told me I should do it before joining the military. I was 21 and liked that I wasn't born here. I am proud that I have full spanish blood running through my veins. I liked that I had a long identification number at the botttom of my little green card. To me at the time it meant my parents struggled to cross the border. They paid some guy to bring them here so that can make a better life for themselves. I stayed in Guatemala until I was 5 years old with my godmother. I lived on a farm. I grew up with pigs, horses, dirt roads and poverty. It will always be my home. So when they told me I had to give the card up once I signed the paper work I was torn.

"It would help with the paperwork if you became a citizen," I was told at the recruiting office.

I fought it and when my parents found out that I didn't want to become a citizen they flipped their lid.

"That's the reason we came here!" my dad yelled at me.

"Mija it's for your own good. You'll have so many more opportunities," my mom said.

All my other siblings had been born here. They didn't have to worry about "papers" and going to the immigration office if they needed a passport. I didn't see what the was deal then and I still hadn't until this Tuesday when I went with my uncle to the immigration office. He is trying to apply for his citizenship. After six years of applying they finally gave him an appointment. I sat in a room full of so many different people. Mostly Hispanic, some of Middle Eastern decent, and some Asian. I found myself watching them struggle to understand what they were being told at the help windows. I watched as a woman cried when she was told that she could not get a Visa to work. I watched as this lady yelled at an Asian man for moving when she took his picture for his ID. I found myself wondering why the hell anyone wants to come here in the first place. I found myself angry at the lady that interviewed my uncle for being a rude bitch.

Today is Cinco de Mayo and I hope those of you that understand what it means go out and get fucked up off tequila. Celebrate yourselves. Celebrate where you come from. Celebrate the struggles that the privileged will never know. Celebrate your ancestors. Celebrate the blood that runs through your veins. Celebrate your heritage. Celebrate the people that gave you a better life than they had. Celebrate each other. Drink, dance and sing for me!

The Things I wish I could say Part II

2006-05-04T19:49:00.000-07:00

The phone rang and her ring tone played. I smiled to myself before answering. I haven't talked to her deciding that leaving her alone works better for the both of us from time to time.

"Hey! You aren't going to be here for your birthday are you?" she asked.

"No, I'm gonna be gone for two weeks. I don't come back til 3rd of July," I said.

There was a long silence.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Nothing that's a long time," she answered.

"You think you'll miss me a little bit?" I asked.

"Oh shut-up," she says laughing.

She never answers my questions. It makes my blood boil. Why is it so hard to tell me you still care? I sighed.

"I'm just kidding. The guys bought me tickets to go to Vegas for my birthday," I told her.
Might as well move on from this conversation.

"What? Really??" she said.

"I thought I told you?" I said. Mental check. No I think I left it out of our conversations on purpose. I don't want to invite her only to get let down again. My birthday always marks the time she goes away for months.

"No you didn't tell me," she says. She thinks I avoid her on my birthday, though she'll never say it. There was a long silence. Ask her Silent. Just say it so she can never say that you didn't invite her.

"You know if you want to come you are more than welcome. I didn't mention it because of your schedule right now and I know you can't just up and go," I said.

"I don't know," she said. There it was that slight stab in the same old place. Why does it always feel the same.

We moved onto other things. I talked about my roommates anniversary with his boy this Monday. A year. I told her about the things they got each other and how cute they were. Cute. Is that what love is categorized as now? I think because of the conversation I was feeling slightly nostalgic. Pieces of me hates how she makes me feel. I'm more aware now of my own needs and wants than her's and maybe she is starting to feel that too. I don't say as much about "feelings" anymore. Fuck em.

"I'm gonna let you go," I say. I felt drained all of a sudden. Too tired to talk about anything.

"Ok, I'll call you when I get home," she says.

"Yeah I'll be holding my breath," I say laughing.

"Oh shut-up," she says.

"Hey ****, you know I love you right?" I said it before I thought of it. I wasn't telling her I was IN love with her just simply that I loved her in it's simplest form.

"Are you ok? You are being weird," she said.

Remember that stab? Now you take it and twist it until you are sure it's gonna bleed for a little while longer.

"Yeah I'm fine. I'm just tired. Have a good night," I said and hung up.

They say that when you feel it say it or they'll never know. I say what good is it for them to know if you are the only one feeling it.

The things I wish I could say Part I

2006-04-28T15:38:00.000-07:00

She sat on the other end of my couch. Her long legs stretched over mine. She always wraps herself in a blanket even when it wasn't cold. It is her comfort zone. I watched her for a second. She lay there on my pillow watching my tv in my house on my couch. She had slipped into some of my sweats after a few glasses of wine. I told her she shouldn't be driving home. It wasn't hard to convince her. It never was when she stayed the night. Was it cause she always wanted to stay? Do I have to reassure her everytime? She has to know that it's never going to not be ok for her to stay. I let my hands lay across her ankles. My palms were sweaty and as close as I always imagine being with her when it happened I wanted to be on a completely different couch.

"You know when things get that bad you can always call me right?" I said suprising myself.

"What?" she asked shifting to look at me.

"When you don't want to be home and things get ugly. You don't have to face it alone," I said. I didn't want to look at her. I stared at the tv screen instead.

"I don't want to bother you with my drama," she said turning back to the tv.

Silence is the loudest sound in the room when there is so much to say.

"There will always be a space next to me if you need it," I said. This time I turned to look at her.

Our eyes met. Sometimes when she doesn't say what she is thinking there is a slight crooked smile that she seems unaware of that will suddenly appear and disappear in a blink of an eye. She put her hands under her chin and looked back at the tv.

Sucking Cock

2006-04-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

My ex-roommate says I should call it "giving oral sex" but who use's those terms? Unless maybe you are being interrogated by someone.

I had this very visual dream of me giving head to a soldier in his truck. A bunch of us were trying to break into Alcatraz to see what it would be like after dark. We wanted to see if there weren't ghosts in the buildings. We all jumped over the fence and as soon as we touched the ground we were surrounded by all these military people. There were bright lights everywhere and people yelling and other people running. I recognized one of the counselor's from highschool and he walked over to me and told me not to worry he'd get me out of it.

The next thing I know I am in a truck with a younger man in a uniform. He was laughing at us because he couldn't believe we had tried to really get into the jail on our own. Then he looked at me and told me he'd let me go if I would give him head. In the dream I remember never objecting to the thought. I just did it. It was like watching a porn video but it was me. I can not explain the dream to anyone without laughing or without anyone asking "Have you ever?" and then the silence and the "no".

Casual Encounters

2006-04-21T12:02:00.000-07:00

I posted an ad for a date....it took me weeks to decide how or when to do it. Yesterday afternoon caught in the silence of my head and the little office that I sit in now I decided it would be the right time to do it.

Today I got four responses. One was a shaved vagina. The other was a chunky Mexican who likes long walks on the beach. The other two seemed safe enough. I did it because I am driving myself crazy....I need some release.....seriously.

When I saw the vagina picture I couldn't help but wonder "who took that?". It wasn't a "I took this myself shot". I watch enough porn to know that someone else took it. So I deleted it. I don't want to show up and someones place and have midgets attack my knees and drag me into their dungeon of vagina's. It's not for me you know? Nothing against midgets of course. I'm only 5 ft tall which according to some studies is just a very tall midget.

In other news I went and saw Lila Downs perform at the Fillmore in SF last night. Amazing, enlightening, marijuana filled, tequila flowing experience. If you do not know who she is check her out. I bought her new CD. Her voice is POWERFUL and as we all know I am all about the voice. Which leads me to the next topic. There was an opening act with a female guest performer. She has her own group in Pasadena, California. The opening act would not let her plug her group when the crowd would yell "Give us the name of your group!" He would answer and give the name of the opening act leaving her winking into the crowd. I however, noticed that everytime someone would ask she would ever so slightly pick up a bag pretending to get some prop and on the bag was the word "Cava". I found her on MySpace this morning.

If you do not want to be found erase your profile now. Trust me they will find you or I will find you. **wink

One is a lonely number

2006-04-10T15:42:00.000-07:00

There it is....I am driving myself crazy. So much time alone and in my mind. Everything makes me cry. I'm not used to it. I keep wondering if this is right. I worked my ass off last week. I keep thinking it's because I am tired and with no one to run a bath or to talk too about what's going on in my head it just keeps piling up.

I read, I listen to music, I watch porn to fill up some space.
I think and call and wait and think and call and wait some more. No answer. Don't think about it. I want someone else to think about. I want something..no anything to occupy my time. School is soon. The bar is there.

I read something today that described how I am feeling to a "t" as they say :

"What should I do about the wild and tame? The wild heart that wants to be free, and the tame heart that wants to come home. I want to be held. I don't want you to come too close. I want you to scoop me up and bring me home at nights. I don't want to tell you where I am. I want to keep a place among the rocks where no one can find me. I want to be with you.

I don't expect to be happy. I don't imagine that I will find love, whatever that means, or that if I do it, it will make me happy. I don't think love as the answer or the solution. I think of love as a force of nature- as strong as the sun, as necessary, as impersonal, as gigantic, as impossible, as scorching as it is warming, as drought-making as it is life-giving. And when it burns out, the planet dies.

I know that the real things in life, the things I remember, the things I turn over in my hands, are not houses, or bank accounts, prizes or promotions. What I remember is love - all love- love of this dirt road, this sunrise, a day by the river, the stranger I met in a cafe. Myself, even, which is the hardest thing of all to love, because love and selfishness are not the same. It is easy being selfish. It is hard to love who I am. No wonder I am surprised if you do."
--Lighthousekeeping
Jeanette Winterson.

It's Been a while

2006-04-08T13:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything in ages I know. It feels odd not really having a need to put something down. My mind is at ease. I am working. There is nothing new to tell.

I've been out once in the last month and it hasn't been enough. I'm antsy and uninspired and this sucks.

Good Morning from somewhere...

2006-04-04T22:32:00.000-07:00

Monday
So this is what it feels to not have a schedule.

Get up at 530am--take roommate to the BART (Bay Area Rapid Train).
Come home sleep till 700am. Call my OTHER job: "I'm tired. Do you mind if I come in around noon?" "Why, are you ok? "Yeah I'm good I'm just tired" "Oh yeah go to back to bed and call me on your way in." "Ok, I will."

Then I show up around 11am because I feel guilty.

"You are early?"

"Yeah, sorry I felt guilty." I smile and feel better about not having to wake up at 630am in the morning Mon-Fri.

Tuesday

Come in and train the new girl at 8am. Even if Friday was my last official day. I can't leave the place without making sure the "new girl" gets properly trained. Yes I am getting paid. Yes I feel more important than I have in months. Yes the girl is attractive. She smiles and sits with me and I have to leave because I don't want to be there anymore.

I come home fold my clothes, take a hot shower, read a good book on my couch as the rain pounds against the window. I curl myself up on the corner of the couch, wrapped in the warmest blanket. It is 1pm and I read until 5pm. Just me, the couch, and the words in the book.

I am rested and despite the relief I can't help but think of the money because there is still cable and the cell-phone bill. Then I stop myself because despite me not having a "regular" job, I will always work. I will work at the pottery place because they trust me, because they wanted me back, because as friends they did me a favor.
I will work every weekend despite me never really having a social life because these people gave me the chance to work in a bar so that I could taste the possibility.

There is much to do.....it's just not scheduled anymore. Nothing has to happen before or after the hours of 8:30am-5:30pm because finally I can just do what I need to do to move on to the next step.

Whoa

2006-03-30T14:34:00.000-08:00

The obssession just keeps growing.

http://jennafatigue.blogspot.com/

Wow so this is change

2006-03-28T09:53:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here four days left till the last time I have to wait around for 5:30pm to come so that I can run out of here much like Fred Flinstone does only I'm not yelling "yabbbba--dabbbba-doooo!!" at the end of my shift. I've discovered that between school, getting trained to bartend, and working at the pottery place I'm still not going to have much time for anything else. Not that I am the drunk social butterfly that I used to be. I sit at home and watch American Idol on Tuesday nights. Followed by the AI Elimination and Bones on Wed night. Sometimes we cook dinner, sometimes I just eat a sandwich. Sometimes I think about working out. Half the time I don't.

I feel bad. I don't want to hang around J all the time. I don't always have patience for his humor and it annoys me that he's constantly on the phone with his BF. I feel like we are tied at the hip for no real reason. Last night we were watching a show and there was a soldier who had just gotten his leg blown off. I won't get into the detail but her support for him was the thing shows are made of.

I said something along the lines of, "He is lucky to have her as a wife."

"Yeah cause my wife doesn't do shit," he said laughing to himself.

"You better be talking about your boyfriend cause I am not your wife and I sure as hell don't pretend to be," I snapped back.

I can't wait for his BF to move in. Yes I said I can't wait so that way their relationship will grow and he will become less dependent on me. I don't have to eat dinner with him. I don't have to ask if he wants to come out with me. There will be someone else there to fill all that neediness for him. Someone who loves his quirky humor and will hold his hand and get his jokes and watch the same shows and not be the bitch that I am. Besides I love his BF. He is good for him and although I do make snide remarks you always want to see the people closest to you happy.

Once again it's a big change for me. I don't live with couples. I don't like the drama. OK, OK I'd live with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra, Scarlett Johanson and whom ever she may be dating but that's IT!
Wait I lied cause I am a superficial bitch. I can't forget about Salma Hayek or Jennifer Beals. Ok. Done. Seriously. Now I have to be fair and really think about it......this list can go on forever nevermind. You get the point.

I was much more amusing as a drunk. I know it deep down in my soul. It seems like all I do now is bitch about something else. See what happens when you work to damned much people? You lose pieces of yourself along the way.

Oh and if you haven't done so read Diablo Cody under my links. That girl is so fucken funny to me and a great writer. I need to pick up her book. Maybe this weekend. Seems like it would be a fun read.

I did it.

2006-03-20T12:41:00.000-08:00

I quit my job. I said I was leaving and jaws dropped. Questions started and I stood my ground.

No I won't stay on an extra month.

Yes I have other jobs lined up.

No it's not you, it's me because I need to move on.

I'm so freaking paranoid that this is going to blow up in my face. The higher up's are the only one's that know. I'm sure it will begin to trickle down soon. Questions will come up and I will smile and simply say, "I am ready to move forward."

Now if only the nagging feeling that the ONE person I wish would call me after the message I left her Friday would go away I'd be good. What makes people think that it's ok? What if I'm the one that decides that I won't pick up the phone next time then I remember I will ALWAYS pick up the phone cause next time will always mean "it may be the last time" for me.

Flip the Script

2006-03-16T12:05:00.000-08:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and when that happens usually something has to give. I just got back from visiting T in South Carolina. It was a week of lounging and remembering why I love that girl so much. She has got to be one of the funniest people I know and despite her INSISTING that no one likes her she is a likable girl. I wanted to squeeze her kids into my pockets and bring them back with me but apparently it’s not allowed.

Coming back to this place (work) has left a sour taste in my mouth. I’m going to quit and I know that, unless they offer me more money because that is what I need to make my next major move. More money increases my chances of saving faster which in turn will make the transition easier.

I’m going back to school. I’m paying off my loans. I’m making more decisions based on my needs and NOT the needs of others. I don’t have a reason to hold myself back from anything. I came home after the Corps to be with my family. I missed them endlessly (my sister in particular) but now with her being away at college it makes no sense to me to just be “stuck” here. I came home to try to chase a dream that until recently I still held on too. What for when the world is waiting for me to come and have a taste. I can feel it in my bones. It’s time for a good solid change.

The thought scares me a little. Stability is safe and secure and what everyone strives for. You get a job, you marry, you buy a house, you have kids and then what? There are so many things to ponder in this life.

It seems ridiculous that I am even going to share this thought but when I was on the plane the other day I thought of how I had read an article about Angelina Jolie when I was younger. How ever since she was a little girl she had wanted to be a bird so that she could just fly away. She never wanted to be caged in. She always wanted to know what was on the other side of the window. When she started taking flying lessons I thought to myself She’s becoming the bird. and it makes me smile. I understood even then her need to ALWAYS want to be somewhere else. Recently I read an article about how she is flying more frequently and with her being pregnant I can’t help but wonder if she is starting to feel caged in.

For me that’s exactly how I feel. Like someone put me in a cage but in realizing that I am the only one with the key it is giving me the courage to take flight. To leave all the extra baggage, all the endless worry, all the struggles right where they are. In the past. I want to live for the present. I want to experience places and people and sitting here 9-5 is no longer for me.

Under the Dim lights

2006-03-07T12:17:00.000-08:00

We sat down to dinner at about 8pm Friday night. I was still being slightly moody about having to “share” dinnertime. Though my knees buckled (literally) when my date showed up at the door. The Hooka’s were being smoked at the bar and we were seated at a low table with cushions. Six of us piled into the cozy area and debated taking off our shoes. I helped the date with her knee high boots and then made fun of her mismatching socks. Two pomegranate martini’s later conversation was light and the mood was set for one of the best nights I have experienced in a long time.

There isn’t a blow by blow way to write it. Really it was about good times and good company. We had a full dinner with the ever popular alcohol spilling over. We felt like kings and queens as the belly dancer shook her money maker at our table. They TRIED to place money on her hips but there was no way of keeping up. Eventually most put the money between her bra-strap instead. Some of us noted that the place was full of really, really good looking people.

“It has to be the lighting,” Cruz said laughing.

I could see him and Izzy cruising the scene for victims. The date leaned into me and explained to me what sauces go with what meal and all I could concentrate on was her perfume. We talked and talked. We ate and ate. We drank and drank. I listened as Cruz made jokes or told random stories and everyone was just soaking each other up.
Is this what happens when it’s time to say goodbye? I wondered briefly as I leaned back and pushed the rest of my plate away.

“I can’t eat anymore,” I said aloud.

“Let’s go to the bars!” the date says.

The original plan was to go home after dinner. Everyone was going to separate and do their own thing. Once the bill was paid we walked outside so the cold air could push itself against us as we walked up and down Haight St trying to figure out where to stop. We window shopped and walked arm in arm.

Izzy pulled me along once, “Wifey I miss you.”

“I know I’m sorry. It’s just that things are changing and you know how that goes,” I say putting my arm through his. I look back to see Cruz and the date stopping to look at some shoes. I push myself into Izzy “Why are straight girls so fucken fine.” (yes this is how I talk and in this case it’s still an understatement). He laughs and puts his arm around me, “Yeah she looks good tonight.”

We pile into a small pub and order a round of tequila. Up, toast and down and we walk away. It wasn’t what we were looking for and settled on a crowded bar with an upstairs area in which we congregated and talked about everything under the sun. Porn, sex, movies, Hollywood, Angelina, Jennna and so on. The flow was perfect and we finally decided at 1 in the morning that it was time to really part ways. Four of us piled into one car and the other two went along in theirs. I was set up on the way home. I can’t say no to a pretty face and sometimes you do things that you NEVER would have considered doing. The date stayed the night because there was no way she was going to be able to drive home. My “straight girls can’t resist me” perfume was in full force. We fell into a deep sleep at 5 in the morning after dancing and talking in the living room for what seemed like a blink of an eye. Nothing happened though. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

On the upside Cruz and I had a moment while in the bar. He apologized and though there was a time when I would have been angry I would not have traded the night in for anything. I’m glad that it turned out the way it did for a lot of different reasons. I’m sorry that I am going to miss his farewell party. I’m sorry that he is leaving and moments like these will become almost impossible because of distance but now I have a reason to visit New York and I’ll have a reason to miss him a little more.

Yes it bothers me

2006-03-02T12:32:00.000-08:00

Because I do give a fuck despite our differences. Cruz is leaving for New York to stay in two weeks. I had planned a vacation to go see T in South Carolina for her birthday, therefore I will be missing his going away bash. I honestly booked the flight not keeping him in mind which was totally wrong of me because I SHOULD have been considering him too. My mistake. It's done. The ticket is paid for. I'm going to SC when he leaves. There won't be any sappy goodbyes on my part. Maybe if the changes we've gone through weren't so extreme there may have been a little bit more of a tug in my heart. There isn't however, and you can think I'm an asshole if you want.

I wanted to spend some time before he left. He mentioned it a few weeks back and I was just waiting for him to say the word. Him and me. Comfortable in our skin and our many years that we have built between us. Friendships go a long way. We were there for each other through a lot of different stages, different parts of our ever changing lives. There are so many things, so many details that he has been there for. I don't know him anymore. I don't know who he is when other people are around. He is different. I am different. We are apart.

I value people but let me share a little secret. Hurt me once shame on you. Hurt me twice shame on me. Hurt me more than that well then fuck you. I used to let people really really take advantage of me. I used to let them use me, take what they needed and then spit me right the fuck back out. I am over that.

Point of the story? I was led to believe that he and I would go to dinner one last time. I was excited. I was happy and REALLY looking forward to our little dinner date.

I was told yesterday at 5pm, "So you and I have reservations at 8pm. I'll pick you up at 7."

I found out at 10:30pm that the reservations were for 6. Not ONLY did he not tell me that it wasn't going to be just us. I had to find out from someone else. I am upset because I wanted some one on one time. I am upset because it got to me. It really bothers me that he didn't or couldn't tell me. Understand that he is the one leaving and I know that. I know it's about him. It's always about him but it doesn't change how I feel. Totally disappointed and not looking forward to dinner anymore. I won't be the complete ass that I know I am and cancel. Though that is the only thing that keeps running in circles in my head. I won't because it's selfish and childish and after a few drinks I won't care anymore.

It still sucks though. Sucks BIG DONKEY BALLS.

In Need

2006-02-28T14:12:00.000-08:00

I am needy right now. I find myself watching the couples walking along. Laughing, playing, holding hands. The warmth of their emotions bounce off my heart. Cold it is. Biter it is. Lonely it is. I scrape my skin along the edges of myself. Opening old wounds time and time again.

I watched RENT this weekend. I cried the last 20 minutes the first time and I cried the last 20 minutes the second time. Who cries at RENT? Maybe I have become overly sensitive to all the things that I don’t have in my life. All the things that as a woman I’m sure we all dream of. This morning on my drive here I looked over at the young lady saying something to her kids in the back seat. They had their hands lifted and were waving them from side to side. She had a luminous smile as she peeked through her rear view mirror and I found myself smiling right along. I wondered what it was that they were listening too. I wondered what kind of household they have. Then a little voice comes to me every time and whispers ever so slightly, “You’ll never have that. Let it go.” The light turns green and off they go to live their life as I contemplate the emptiness in mine.

I hardly visit my parents anymore. A piece of me wants them to separate. I just want them to be happy and knowing that they are not makes me ache inside. Knowing that there is a possibility that maybe they never were makes me want to cry. I wonder what happened. Where is that love that they fought so hard for go? My father the farmer and my mother the snobby pretty girl. It was fairy tale kind of beginning that with time eroded into something that neither one can grasp anymore. I never expected to feel sorry for them. I spent most of my teen years being angry with them and wishing the fights would just go away. Now I spend most of the time wishing that they’d remember their love for each other.

At the park Saturday I watched my cousins play with Her kid. I went to go pick her up for a day of fun in the sun. We bounced on the trampoline. We played football. We walked the dog. I watched as she helped my uncle fly a kite. I want so much for her and know that what little I can do will never be enough. She needs and deserves more just like her mom. I am not a part of that equation though I have been a part of her life longer than anyone else she’s known (daughter and mother excluded). It’s odd the things you begin to see when you are apart from someone. It’s funny how love makes you hold on to the smallest things and over look the rest.

She doesn’t deserve me anymore, at least not in that way. Someday she’ll know it. Someday she’ll wake up from her life and realize it. Someday will probably be too late.

People make you feel good. If it is genuine and real it fills you with a small satisfaction. Right now I am not satisfied. I am used to J. Sometimes he gets it. Sometimes I am not in the mood for his silliness. I want and need something real right now.

Give me something real
To hold on to
Give me something solid
To grasp
Give my something that would
Make me feel whole again
Give me anything
--Unknown

Whoa

2006-02-24T09:49:00.000-08:00

Holy Shit. Whatever it was that was bugging me the last few days is over. I think I am PMS'ing. While I do intend on continuing to be healthy I do not intend to become crazy about it.

Jose and I cooked this amazing dinner last night. I made meat loaf and mashed potatoes and he made the gravy. I didn't have everything for ONE recipe so I took whatever sounded good from ALL the recipes and threw it into a bowl hoping it would come out right. I explained that we HAD to have gravy for the potatoes to J.

"Well do you want to go to the store to get some?" he asked opening the cupboards to see what we had available.

"Uhm not really," I say taking a sip of our Two Buck Chuck. (It's wine they sell at Trader Joe's for two bucks and it's pretty decent.)

"Yeah me neither," he says.

"Well we can make it from scratch I think. We have starch and chicken broth," I say.

"We can experiment," he says as he pulls things out.

We played Sade, Joss Stone and Sarah Mclachlan as we bullshitted about the day. It was calming to actually interact and do something other than watch television all night. The house smelled SO good. I felt better about my "fat status". We laughed about our seperate state of minds on the issue. I did the pilates workout two nights ago and I found a release which I couldn't quite get with my other attempts. I didn't feel out of shape or useless after (which is important). So I will proceed at the Level 1 status until I feel I can move on to something more intense. I keep thinking the fit ball will pop but I have to get over that if I plan on increasing my workout level. Long live the fit ball and level 1 workouts. I just needed to find a good place to start. So this is it.

Dinner was a success. We ate in silence and let the flavors combine and just melt in our mouths. You know it's good when you take your time with it.

I HAVE to make this again for my friends soon. So this means I get to plan a dinner party!!
wahoooo.......

Nothing Comes Easy

2006-02-22T14:39:00.000-08:00

Reconstructing myself is not easy in any way shape or form. I worked out for the first time last night in months. While the machine that I bought will be whooping my royal fat ass for the next few days I have to keep telling myself that "Nothing ever comes easy." I felt all right after but I only worked out for half and hour. Not much I know but I give up on myself more than you can count.

Last night I was watching American Idol (I know what you are thinking but it's a guilty pleasure and who doesn't have those) and this Weight Watcher's commercial came on which only made me want to yell into my pillow. They played "A Song for the Lonely" by Cher which made no sense to me because anything by Cher reminds me of gay boys dancing around but then they get to the meat of the commercial and you find yourself nodding along and wishing all the big girls luck cause damn it "I'm with ya girl!" Then it made me happy that I even attempted my little work out session at all. The little triumphs are what are going to get me through the first three days. Those are the hardest.

I went for a walk down by the pier today for lunch today. The breeze was cool and I watched as all these people zipped passed me. Some on skates. Others running. Most walking like me. I didn't feel so odd all of a sudden. I just wanted to do something healthier for me. The realization that nothing is going to happen over night is what makes me want to give up.

I need some time and effort that's all I have to keep thinking. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Why can't losing weight be as easy as drinking beer. The world would be a better place.

State of Mind

2006-02-21T13:52:00.000-08:00

My mind is being invaded by all the fatty acids that are collected in the swell of my ass. I realized recently I am not the most “Pro-Silent” and much more “Anti-Silent”. I have become the only victim of my own assault.

“Hey fat ass why don’t you try getting off the couch.”

“Hey fat ass that exercise machine if your room is doing you a whole lotta good especially since you HAVEN’T USED IT YET.”

I have everything I need to get into better shape and I just don’t do it. I don’t want to go anywhere that would require me to put on anything other than jeans. I admire people in the morning because I realize how much more effort they put into their appearance.

When a woman walks by and she is wearing a sassy little number, her makeup is flawless, and her hair is perfect. I think to myself “She probably got up at the crack of dawn to look that good. I don’t even own any makeup. Wait I don’t wear anything but jeans.”

When a man walks by and he is well groomed, his clothes match and he smells like a fresh morning breeze (strong and solid for those that didn’t know). I think to myself “He probably went to the gym this morning. He spent more time on his hair than I did picking out what I was going to wear this morning. God. You are gay let’s face it shall we?”

Then I think of how I got up this morning washed my face with hot water to open up my pores and when I looked in the mirror I look completely worn out. My face is dry. My eyes have circles under them. My chin is starting to double. My eyes have a yellowish tint. My wrinkles are starting to show. I’m 28. I’m turning 29 in June and I’m so tired.

Let’s face it. Everything is based on looks. Everything is based on sex, ass, pecs/tits, and flat “can I PLEASE lick you there” stomachs. Somehow I was sucked into this world. I wander its seedy places. I peak into its naked windows. I lust and want it not only for me but I want to be “it”. There amongst the glamour. There amongst the never lonely.

I know it’s not what this life is about. Deep down I have my moments of completeness. I know what I value and what to let go of but sometimes things stare you in the face and there is no way around them.

If I am not happy that is my own fault. I know that. What’s hard is changing it.

Who I am

2006-02-15T09:35:00.000-08:00

If you take Bridget Jones (from Bridget Jones Diary) and you add Abby (from The Truth About Cats & Dogs) you get me.

I think that should make me sad but it's rather amusing how we can identify with characters and ALL their hang ups when we watch movies.

Love Oh Love

2006-02-13T10:22:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's all the balloon's and flower's in the windows. Maybe it was the moon.

*****
I dreamt last night that I met someone in a foreign place. I dreamnt that in the dream we weren't supposed to feel this way. I dreamt that we hid from everyone. I dreamt that people knew and they would talk. I dreamt that my parent's decided we need to leave from our trip. No questions asked and as I packed inside I knew it was because they knew that I had fallen in love with her. In my own dream I felt ashamed.

I had flash backs of her face looking back at me through the reflection of the mirror. I never thought that I could ever feel that way again. I remember feeling grateful that someone could erase the other memory away.

When we were at the airport I kept look back to see if she'd be there. There were so many people. Then she was there talking to someone else. Not really looking for me. She was angry that I was leaving but she'd never say it.

"I need to talk to you," I say quickly stealing her into a near by bathroom stall.

"You should know that I need you to come with me please?" I ask.

"No," was all she would give me. "You always run away."

I felt the tears swelling in my eyes as I slid toward the floor my back against the wall. I put my head into my hands Fuck not again.

"I need you," I whisper.

When there is no answer I look up and she is gone. I'm in a video store and she is helping someone trying to find a title. I walk towards her and a man stops me.

"You can't talk to her," he says. He presses his hand against my heart. I don't feel it beating. I just want to cry.

****

It was a pretty fucked up dream if you ask me. I've been sad all morning. I know it was just a dream but it was haunting and visual and so close to home. There were so many details. So many things that weren't said but were obviously there.

It's What day???

2006-02-08T14:54:00.000-08:00

It's going on 3 in the afternoon and up until an hour ago I honestly thought it was Thursday. I was making plans in my mind about how I was going to get to work tomorrow night. I was wondering why the HR lady was here because Thursday is her day off. I thought I had missed the Grammy's because they were on Wed night (obviously I know I can watch it tonight). I was sitting here thinking how ONE more day in the week wasn't as bad as TWO more days.

I'm sure I am coming down with something that has made me delirious. It's not like I drank a bottle of Vodka and danced the night away with strippers (I swear). I was in bed and asleep by 10pm after watching Kate Beckinsale run around in leather (rawr).
I'm tired and worn out and especially moody. I put together my exercise machines and still can't use them. The knee that I injured a few weeks ago started to act up the minute I started stepping last night and that only pissed me off even more. I KNOW that it's the thinning Meniscus (cartilage) between my knee bones and the weight (fat) isn't helping. I need to get it looked at but I have two trips planned all ready and nothing is going to hold me back from getting there. I just have to not push it too far so it won't swell. The pain isn't anything I can't stand I just have to know when to not make it worse. Like right now because I'm driven to get healthier.

I'm slowly starting to fight a cold. I woke up crampy and sloppy and tired yesterday. Today is a little better but only because Jose made me drink an Airborne pill. Tonight I'll drink another one and soak in a hot bath. I guess if I have to be fat to save myself from surgery I'll just have to deal with it for now. I know there are other angles so I'm going to look into them tonight as far as weight loss.

I'm just no good at taking care of me. Bleh.

Just a thought

2006-02-06T13:17:00.000-08:00

She seems so much taller than I remember. She’s has her mom’s curly hair (not as kinky but close enough). When she hugged me I was sad. I can’t pick her up anymore It reminded me of when I realized that my little sister wasn’t so little anymore. Everything about her was bigger. She was certainly taller. I think I may have her beat by half an inch. She’s ten going on eleven next Tuesday. She is a Valentine baby. Her eyes are a little lighter and more slanted than her mom’s.

“I can’t believe how much she’s grown,” I tell her as we get in line to pay for the hot dogs.

“I know there are days that I look at her and can’t believe it either,” she says back.

I watch her reach into her pockets for her cash. She seems thinner to me but her eyes haven’t changed. Her hair is longer and she hasn’t dyed it in a while. She’s got on make up to cover the little scars on her face. I smile slightly before realizing that I’m staring at her. I’m soaking her in without her permission. I take my hot dog and turn the corner to slather all the goodies on it. Might as well distract myself. Ketchup. Mustard. Onions. Relish. Napkins. Soda. I should have gotten the nachos.

“Your hair is longer,” she says as she puts her goodies on. Ketchup. Mustard.

“Yeah I need a trim soon,” I say. Her daughter slides over and bumps me as she giggles.

“Did you get any candy?” I ask her. She smiles and shows me the strawberry ropes.

“Your color is good too,” she goes on. “Brings out your eyes.”

I turn to her and smile. She was watching me too. We walked toward the theatre.

“I was gonna go platinum but chickened out,” I tell her laughing.

“I can’t see you in that color,” she said.

After the movie I kept my distance from their conversation. I played with her daughter in the background instead. We talked about her birthday and what she wanted. They talked about other things and played catch up. Parting ways seemed awkward. Maybe cause it had been so long since we’d seen each other. The ideal would have been to go hang out somewhere together but she had things to get done and we had a Super Bowl to watch.

“Call me about Tuesday,” she said after our goodbyes.

“I will. We’ll figure it out,” I say back.

Her daughter runs back and gives me a hug, “Promise me I’ll see you on my birthday.”

“I promise I’ll be there ok?” I said giving her a peck on the cheek.

I glimpse her mom out of the corner of my eye. A slight smile crosses her face. I wink. She turns and walks away. So now I start counting down the time. The time till my break down. The time until she disappears again.

The thought : This time I’m in control.

A few things

2006-02-01T14:03:00.000-08:00

1- I really really want to see her in her panties. I want to see her tattooed body but not in a sexual way. Which doesn't make sense even to me. I just want to see her that way. Like those pin-up posters from the 40's and 50's. This is sudden but so was Friday and now I can't stop thinking of her.

2- I put my two exercise machines together and they both fit in my room. I didn't hurt myself in the process and I didn't have to take them apart because I put something in the wrong way. (I have yet to use them but I will this coming week).

3- I may not spend V-day alone after all. It's a special girls birthday and she turns 11 this year. I was going to go to Brownie's but then re-thought it after realizing it fell on that holiday. I don't want to be in a bar full of lonely girls, full of lonely drinks.

4- Straight girls have my heart because of that I am never going to get laid. (yes that is a bold statement but until someone proves me wrong I won't take it back).

5- Sometimes I wished I missed Cruz more but I don't which makes me think I am a horrible friend.

6- I am having dinner with Smababy (You know How you do) today and I am super excited.

7- I've been talking to someone I know is bad for me but she is the exception to all my rules.

8- I know many people yet hang out with none. The ones I want to see live states away and this makes me sad.

9- I'm tired of my job because it's not challenging but I don't leave because it's easy money.

10- I LOVE Chet Baker. Not his fast stuff but the slow dig into your soul sounds that only he can create.

Sinking Feeling

2006-01-27T14:56:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a bad feeling about something? You aren't sure why you can't put your finger on it and you let it go cause really it has NOTHING to do with you and you want to let other people make their own choices. Then the choices they make come back and bite you in the ass and all you really want to do is scream cause you knew it but you keep your cool and you keep your "I told you so's to yourself" because you don't want to be the asshole in the situation.

It's common sense to me. Find out as much as you can before you say yes then think it through. Would this benefit me? Is this going to work for me in the long run? Can I do this for a while and then move on? Can I live off of this income? Do I take my time and look for something better?How many options do I have? Can I give myself more options?Will I be able to take care of my responsibilities?

Yes being broke sucks. Yes the job market is hard. Yes nothing is EVER easy. NOTHING and if it is then you are probably a rich kid that ate apple sauce from a silver spoon your whole life (which is fine I have nothing against rich people unless they are assholes. Let me stop here about rich people.) Point is stop feeling sorry for yourself and get to the grind. Get in there. Fuck rejection. Fuck what other people are trying to say. Don't cry about it cause TRUST me tears aren't gonna get you anything in life. Nothing. (My father told me that once).

There are people out there that are going to be more hungry than you. They are going to want it more than you. They are going to push, shove and bite you in the ankle just to get THAT edge over you. Sulking isn't going to get you jack shit.

Simply put if you want it apply yourself to get it. Don't wait for it to happen to you. Don't let the ones that you share responsibilty have to hold you up. Eventually you get used to it and one day they won't be there anymore.

When I start Thinking

2006-01-25T11:16:00.000-08:00

I really can just throw myself for a loop. It can go from greatness to not so greatness in the time it takes me to realize it was only a dream at 6:15 in the morning. I dreamt that I was sitting on a hill eating oranges. My eyes were watery and I felt that side of lonley that makes you want to crawl into a hole and just stay there.

Last night before I fell asleep I started to think about this time of the year. January starts this cycle. I start to think about my birthday. Usually I don't care but this year I turn 29. Last night I thought about how I swore I had just turned 21. Which led me to think about my 21st birthday. Which led me even further into myself. Truth is I loath myself because I don't have the courage to live my life the way I know I can. It takes time and change and conviction. I have a habit of saying I'm going to do this and that and things will be better for a while but then something shuts down.

Last night I could hear Jose talking to his BF as he was getting ready for bed. I'm happy that he's happy but sometimes it ANNOYS the shit out of me. They way they hug, kiss and giggle with each other. Then I remind myself to quit being a dick and I'll get up an walk away for a few minutes. I love them both and want nothing but happiness for them but is everyone that sickly lovey dovey??? I think of when Cruz had a BF and in comparison they were more about presence than lovey dovey. They were together yes but they controlled their PDA (public display of affection) as did I.

Last night I came home in a mood and I know that he wanted to talk about something but I didn't ask him what it was. Truth is I didn't care. That's what he has his BF for. I have things that I need to think about too. We ALL struggle. We ALL are trying to get by. We ALL live day to day trying to make something more out of what we have. I didn't care that his feet hurt from walking around all day(I'm pretty sure that's what it was). I am a ROYAL ASSHOLE when I don't have the patience for petty complaints. We are not married I am not required to be the sympathic shoulder all the time.

Last night I though about how setting goals just doesn't work for me. I sabatoge myself. I know that without anyone having to tell me. It's what I am good at but this year I am determined to be gone by my next birthday. I've heard oh thats plenty of time but it's not. Not really. Not for someone who is debt (which means I can't save). Not for someone who has yet to put her DUI behind her (three more months to go). Not for someone who still thinks she has a chance at something that ended eight years ago. Not for someone who works fucken hard at forgetting how broken she feels all the time.

Happy Birthday hickeys

2006-01-24T12:44:00.000-08:00

No it wasn't my birthday :)

I think San Diego is getting more and more desirable to me. Having lunch by the ocean side with some of your closest friends on a Friday afternoon you just can't beat. Having the stargazing guy amidst the gayest group and having him feel like he's not out of place is priceless. Knowing that despite time and distance nothing makes you skip a beat with old time buddies is a warming feeling. Knowing that your old friends and new friends can come together to have one of the best times helps me know that I am picking the right ones.

San Diego was three days of good times. As always Kevin was the perfect host. Taking us to some of the hottest spots. Making sure his fridge was stocked. Making some of the best fondue ever. He drove us all around as we sung our little hearts out to T-Pain's "I'm in love with a stripper" (the theme song of the weekend). He took us to one of the best brunches at Lipps in San Diego (if you haven't been then go it is a must!). We drowned down our last goodbye's in bottomless mimosa's at 11am in the morning because we knew it was coming to an end.

Cruz is leaving for NY soon and Elvia is doing her time in the Marine Corps oversea's for 7 months (fighting someone else's war). I watched them both for a little while when we first got to the restaurant. They clicked instantly. There was a little pang there as they giggled over the Drag-queen trying to get everyone at our table ripped. Cruz and I had attempted to talk over too many drinks on Thursday when we first touched ground. Something I have been avoiding for months now. I don't have anything else to say. We get along better now that we are apart. The past is in the past. That's where it should stay. Elvia and I just know things. Though I do remember telling her I loved her at least 300 times that day. Jose and his BF kept laughing and drinking and kissing and hugging (it was Jose's birthday Sunday). We took so many more pictures that last day than the whole weekend. We stumbled out of Lipp's at 2pm. The sun burning bright and we shielded our eyes against it trying to find our equilibrium. I barely remember the details of the afternoon but once again the pictures speak volumes. We called T and told her we missed her and loved her too. We gave Jose hickeys for his birthday. I can barely remember how that occurred but I'm pretty sure it was my fault. We had to buy concealer to cover them up for work today. I felt awful for instigating it but couldn't help but laugh about it all day yesterday.

There really aren't too many words to capture the weekend. Our versions are our own. I really wish there were more details but it was one of those few "had to be there" moments.

Commenting

2006-01-19T08:44:00.000-08:00

A certain someone pointed out that you couldn't comment ANON here. I didn't realize the settings were set up that way. I apologize! I LOVE comments. So post away :)

Thank you for showing me the error of my ways lovely girl. I adore you.

She's Married.

2006-01-17T12:12:00.000-08:00

I have this thing called... well I just call it this "thing". I work at a local gay bar and by gay I mean GAY. If you go there you know it's a gay place full of gay people. Most of them regulars. Some of them college students coming out. Some of them curious. There are couples that come in there to pick up men or women. I don't keep track. The bar is hardly ever super packed like in the city but it's nice if you want a beer and to play pool or you don't feel like making the treck across the bridge. I love the boys I work with. They take care of me when I can't lift the kegs. They help me reach the straws when they are up to high. They slide me shots when they over pour a drink. They make fun of me when I can't reach the case at the bottom of the cooler.

"You should wear a corset. That way when you bend over to reach in there we'll get more tips," they say.

"No," I always answer. They get a kick out of making me blush in front of the costumers.

Friday was no exception. There was a girl who made her way into the bar with a bunch of loud lezzies. I noticed her only because when she walked in she was staring at me. The door guy winks (she's got the door man's approval). She had a nice figure that was only accentuated when she unzipped the top half of her sweat-suit outfit. I spy on people when they are in my bar. I know when people are slipping numbers to other people. I know when someone is sure they are going to take someone home. I know when someone is going to try to steal someone from someone else.

She was a friendly girl. When guys complimented her she hugged them and said thank you. She drank her drinks slowly. Moving from group to group making conversation with everyone. There was one who she stayed with the whole time (GF I think and that was the end of that). I am washing the glasses at the end of the bar when I look up and she's standing in line ordering her drink. I catch her eye and before I can look away she smiles. It's a reaction to smile back. I read that somewhere once and for the most part I think it's very true but only when the smile is genuine.

"You should know that you have a beautiful face," she says to me out of the blue.

"Thank you," I say. My tongue was tied. That's all I could say. I turn to put some of the shot glasses back on the shelf and take a deep breath.

When I turn back around. She's still there watching me. "It's your eyes. They are stunning."

I could feel the blood rush up to my ears. She grabs her change and smiles. I am thanking the man above because I am snapped back to reality when the bartendar asked for some more limes. I get them and refill and contemplate as I'm picking up glasses what to do. Anyone one else would have asked for her number then and there. Or tried to make out with her or bought her a drink or done SOMETHING but not me. I continued to pick up glasses and wipe down tables and get more ice. At one point I was opening the patio door and she walks through it. She smiles and says thank you. I decide then to go to my only resource.

"Bouncer," I say. "Why am I so chicken shit?"

"What happened?" he asks. I tell him. He pats me on the back. "Don't worry I got you."

"No, don't do anything. If I can't do it then it's not gonna happen."

"All right but if you change your mind let me know," he says laughing.

"You need to grow some balls," the doorman says.

"Fuck you," I say laughing as I walk away.

I have a complex. People can not be attracted to me and when they are I literally don't know what to do. Seriously. If it happens then I don't know how and usually I don't initiate it. Finally an hour later I go back to the bouncer and tell him to find out is she's single at least that way I know what her deal is (yes you can call me chicken shit all you want, I accept the role whole heartedly). So he does and he comes back laughing his ass off.

"What?" I ask looking around to make sure she isn't watching.

"Well I did what you asked and she wanted to know why I wanted know if she was single," he says leaning against the wall and crossing his arms. Shit eating grin on his face.

"Bouncer you didn't fucking tell her did you???" I was going to be mad I could feel it.

"She's married. (insert pause) to a man," he says.

"See I swear to you I don't know how it happens," I pick up the glass on the table and start to walk away. I am laughing. "It's a curse."

"Wait where are you going? Come here," he unfolds his arms and puts one around my shoulder. "She wants you to know that her husband lets her do what ever she wants and she thinks you are beautiful."

"What?" I start to pull away. "What does that mean?"

"It means you give her your number chicken shit," he says and pushes me away.

I look around and she's dancing on the dance floor. Fucking unbelievable. I have this "thing" where people that I find attractive are either straight or taken. I have NEVER slept with a straight up lesbian before. NEVER.

It took me a while to decide and before I could give her my number she slipped me her card. I took the little slip that I had scribbled my info on and handed it to her. We laughed, hugged and then said goodnight.

I haven't written

2006-01-13T16:21:00.000-08:00

Anything really earth shattering in a long time. Maybe it just means that bad things haven't happened to me. It seems to be the only time that I write something worth really reading or even giving a second thought too. I'm moving but I'm not sad about it. In fact I can't wait for that door to close. I haven't been spending time with my family so there has been no room for them to hurt me. I haven't had any run in's with the law. Love is always hollow. I don't think about things that I can not have. I don't soak in the things I can not change. I don't bother wasting time on emotions that won't mean anything to me a day later.

When I don't write anything that makes me think I feel empty. There is so much to say on so many things but if I'm not experiencing it or living it why bother to express anything about it.

Have I lost my little fire? The one I swore that would never go out. The one that would always find a reason to write and write something good. Bleh. I am waiting for my muse. Whatever it may be.

If this is any sign....

2006-01-12T08:50:00.000-08:00

Of what the new year is bound to bring I am a happy, happy girl.

Things are moving along slowly with the move. Jose and I have committed to each other tonight to REALLY get some things done tonight being that yesterday was a recovery day. Yesterday I rolled out of bed literally and onto the floor trying to asses the headache that was slowly starting to blind me. I could move all my limbs but there was an ache in my knee. As I stumbled into the bathroom and looked at the mirror I winced at the light coming through the bathroom window.

"Ugh," I moaned.

Cold shower. Brush my teeth. Find my keys. I couldn't believe that I had passed out in my clothes. I HATE sleeping in my day clothes. I suppose after 7 shots of tequila however it is to be expected. Everything after the fourth shot was a blur. See this once a month party that has become a ritual of sorts just makes me want to push my limits. I never order tequila anymore. Tuesday night however everything was different. We had managed to get all the girls to come out and party with us. I know I've said it before but I miss having females around. Being around the guys is ok but not for me ALL the time. The mood was set early on when we bought the first round. We danced and laughed and made introductions. We tipped the hottest dancer in the Castro (all right that's my opinion). I wish I had more details but they escape me. I know that I managed to irritate an old knee injury and my right knee is swollen like a coconut. I danced with some girl who has a girlfriend (though I didn't know it at the time) and there was a question about whether or not we wound up making out. Shit. I don't remember and I hope we didn't cause I'd feel bad. Jose keeps telling me we disappeared but by all accounts no one saw us doing anything so if anything did happen I don't remember it so it didn't happen.

Jose and I laughed most of the day yesterday as we tried to recall the night before. I have bruises on my arm from when he grabbed me off the couch and put me in bed. He wound up throwing up a little later from all the movement. I came home a little after 3pm and took a nap well into the evening. I can't wait till next month to do it all over again.

It's January

2006-01-09T15:48:00.000-08:00

It's cold outside. Not as cold as other places where snow actually falls but cold enough for me. I am feeling strangely in step with myself lately. I think it has to do with Jose and I finding a new apartment. It's further from work but exactly what we were looking for so I will be back on the bus again. Sitting next to smelly people who like me have no car but need to get to work somehow. I shudder at the thought. Literally.

Anyway we started moving our things in this weekend. There are clothes and a few misc. things at the old place which we plan to box up and get out of there soon. Starting over is refreshing. It gives you a sense of newess (I don't know if that's the spelling or if it's even a word). It feels good to think that you are going to live differently and there won't be this added stress of old conflicts. We can all move on. I didn't end bad but it didn't end good. Living with Jose will never be a problem I don't think. I appreciate that he just lets me be. Living with Cruz has been challenging on different levels.

We're all going to San Deigo next week Thursday for Jose's birthday. It's kind of the last thing we'll all be able to do as a group for a long time. Jose's BF has never been and we bought Cruz the ticket for Christmas so he can come too. We all wanted to be together and it worked out to where we can be so it should make for a good time.

I have also purchased my ticket to go see my favorite person for her birthday in March. (T) and I are going to have so much fun for TWO reasons and TWO reasons only. It's been a rough year for her and I plan on getting her hammered the minute I set foot in South Carolina. It will only take two drinks (her party days have been too few and far between). Two she isn't pregnant which means we can do more things. I don't plan on being the reason for her divorce but it's gonna be her birthday and if I don't do something memorable I may get cut off and I can't have that.

I have also purchased TWO exercise machines to put into our new place. My goal for this year is just to be healthier. I don't have to look like J Lo but I do need too make the effort to make my body happier. I turn 29 this year and that doesn't scare me, it just makes me think about how much longer I'd like to live. In making that change I'm also going to limit my intake of my favorite substance in the whole world (alcohol for those of you that didn't know) once I receive the machines. (There of course will be acceptions on which I will write about if it's worth putting down)

All in all I spent a shit load of money on things that better make me happy or else.

If you want the business

2006-01-05T16:10:00.000-08:00

I was propositioned by a spanish man on the phone today. Now I've had enough people tell me in my lifetime that I have an attractive phone voice. While I don't know that I believe it, eventually you just go with it. Today however I was thrown off and flattered but not so flattered cause this man had one hell of a nerve let me tell you. I work for a company that does Focus Groups so we do a lot of out calling. Sometimes we'll dial a number that we shouldn't have called and they don't always leave messages. So we get regular calls asking if I called the number. Me because I am the primary phone answerer person (a secretary if you will but not the hot ones with thigh length skirts and tight white blouses but let me get back to the story).

I answer the phone in my professional manner and then this happens:

"Speak spanish?"

"Yes," I say in spanish. (the rest of the conversation is also in spanish but I will translate).

"Did you call me?" he asks.

"No sir I'm sorrry it wasn't me. Did they leave a message?"

"No. What is this again?" he asks.

"It's a business sir."

"Are you the business?" he asks.

"What??" I can feel my ears turn red.

"I want to know if YOU are the business."

"No," I couldn't believe he had the nerve to say that.

"Well if you want the business you can call this number," he says. I could here the smirk in his voice.

CLICK.

Maybe I should just change my line of work. I wonder if phone sex operators make a lot of money. That would look HOT on a resume!

Something in the air

2006-01-04T09:49:00.000-08:00

I woke up feeling strangely weird this morning. My upstairs neighbors rise and shine at 6 in the morning. I can hear her heels tapping against the bathroom tiles as they run around getting ready for the day. I've been sitting here at work anticipating for something to happen. I hate this feeling cause there is absolutely nothing that I am waiting for. No gift through the mail. No phone call from someone that makes my heart jump. No date. No nothing.

It may have to do with the dream I had. I dreamt I was in Hawaii. I dreamt that Alicia Keys gave me backstage passes to her concert because I helped her find the potatoes at the grocery store. I had seats up in the balcony. There were all kinds of people there. I was seperated from my group because they wanted to sit in the back and I wanted to be as close as possible. I dreamnt that between breaks she would go and talk to some girl that sat by the stage. She would wrap her arms around her from behind and whisper things. I wanted to know what kind of things. It felt like I was the only one that could see what was going on as everyone else danced and sang along to the intermission music. She wore a red shirt that was very similiar to a shirt T used to wear in her clubbing days.

Oddly enough in the dream she did a cover of Madonna's "Holiday" to which everyone got up to dance too. I sat there with my arms crossed because even in my dream I remember thinking WTF? I can't get away from the bitch. It's even ludicrous to believe that Alicia would EVER do one of Madonna's songs.

All morning I've felt like someone else has been controlling my body. Almost like I'm just inside my head and someone else is moving me around. It's an odd feeling to have. Maybe it's because I haven't had a drop of liquor in over three days and prior to that I had drank everyday since November.

The New Year Rang

2006-01-02T10:38:00.000-08:00

It’s 2006. I’m not going to make a list of 2005. It would be a waste. I feel like I sat around and waited for it to end. I don’t want to think about what I could have done better. I don’t want to think about the things I cannot change. I don’t know if I feel it was a good year or a bad one. How can I sum up 365 days into good or bad? There were laughs. There were tears. It happens like that ever year. I haven’t thought about resolutions, I’m not ready to let myself down before I even begin. So instead I’m gonna go ahead and say that I’m looking forward to a new year. I’m looking forward to the things I have planned. I’m looking forward to fresh starts and new possibilities.

Why do I believe in this year? Because I wore red underwear at the bar and got a kiss at midnight from a straight girl from South Africa who dances at the Cheetah. I can hear the crowds going wild now. Only problem is that I never learned her name or bothered to ask. She was more interested in the game, which I was more than willing to play. So when the bell tolled and everyone downed the champagne and I asked her, ”So do I get my kiss?” She answered, ”Yes, absolutely.” I’m not sure I was convinced of how “straight” she was once the kiss was over. I’ll spare the conversation after I can’t very well let all my secrets out.

I spent the actual first day of the New Year sleeping in until noon then woke up to find a rash on my arms and neck from the glitter I had worn the night before. See even when I am attempting to be cute and festive my body rejects it. Cruz told me to drink lots of water as I spread hydrocortisone on my arms. I felt sticky and not in a good way. I cleaned the dishes while the boys ran out to get movies for the “Sunday rainy day movie festival” we decided we would have. I was cold so I put on one of Jose’s sweaters not realizing it was the one he was wearing the day before when we rescued the cat from the rain. Of course it took me three hours to figure out why my eyes were so irritated and I couldn’t breathe right. I thought it was the rash’s fault.

So that was it. Jose and I are starting to pack and move things into our new place which we will be living in by the 16th of this month. Cruz is leaving for New York in March and it feels like we are all just moving forward. New things for the new year.

Cheers. I hope everyone had unforgettable moments in 2005 and plan to have many more in 2006.

I'm glad it's over

2005-12-27T10:39:00.000-08:00

Christmas I mean. With people being bitter about the politics of the holiday instead of the reason for the holiday. With people being more obsessed with sales than giving of the gifts. With people not having enough to have a decent “holiday” at all.

Christmas morning I got up and looked out at the cloudy day. I fixed a hot cup of coffee and pondered what everyone was doing. With the exception of (T) I didn’t want talk to anyone not because I didn’t want to wish them well but because it didn’t feel like Christmas to me. My parents couldn’t be civil to each other. My sister was hell bent on making sure we all were together. My brothers were passive and didn’t care which way it went and I was just plain old sad. That sadness that tugs at you. Like in the movies when the little four year old pulls on the adult’s pant leg and when the adult looks down there are these big brown eyes with swelling tears looking back at them sad. I felt like the four year old only I wasn’t tugging on anyone’s pant legs and there wasn’t anyone there to explain why it hurt inside. There hardly ever is.

Instead I drowned it all in liquor. The good kind that makes you tell stupid jokes and dance on chairs and sing karaoke at the top of your lungs. The kind that numbs the sadness inside. The kind that you have to give up to make sure you don’t fall into it again. The kind that once it’s over leaves your body screaming No more Bitch! The kind that leaves you dancing at 2am in the morning on Christmas Eve with your cousin as she cries into your shoulder about her brother that passed away at the tender age of 21. The kind that compels you to take one of your closest friends to the porn shop to buy a porn video for the first time. The kind that let’s you sit around with that porn tape and watch it with four gay boys and criticize it as you all sit around and giggle.

Porn Conversation one:
“See if I were a girl I’d be worried about the nails scratching me on the inside,” one boy says.

“Uhmm well it really is silky inside it’s not like they are in there trying to scratch their way out,” I say feeling myself blush. “Nevermind.”

Porn Conversation two:
“I don’t know how I’d feel about someone spitting on me like that,” I said.

“Honey if you are almost there the last thing on your mind would be someone’s spit,” one answers.

“Oh right,” I say blushing again.

All in all I made what I could out to the four day weekend. I saw King Kong and had clam chowder down at the Pier. I got to be with friends whom I adore. I got to be with my family (even if it wasn’t the most magical Christmas ever). I received calls and texts that made me feel warm inside. (Except for on the literally made me sick but I don’t want to get into that, at least not today.)

I hope everyone had a warm Holiday

The Calm Before the Storm

2005-12-20T16:15:00.000-08:00

It is eerily warm out for this time of the year. It reminds me of humid days sitting under my family’s hut in their hammock just being lazy and watching the day go by. It smells like wet dirt. It feels like melancholy.

I went to the movies on Saturday to watch Memoirs of a Geisha (which I REALLY liked). I found myself sitting next to a younger woman. Her frame was thin and almost fragile. I know this because every now and then she would lean forward and cough. She would wince slightly and the gentleman sitting next to her would rub her back gently. She was wearing one of those wraps around her head. I tried not to watch her when she would move. I tried to not think about her as she sat next to me but every time something emotional happened I would hear her sniff. I was moved not by the movie but by this stranger sitting next to me. Someone who was enjoying something as simple as a movie. Someone who was in tears for her own reasons. Someone who may not have a lifetime to take things for granted. I left the theatre feeling empty. I looked for her as we filed out of the theatre but could not find her. I wanted to see her in the light. I wanted to remember her face not just her shadow.

She spilled over into me Sunday as we decorated the tree at my parent’s house. Our heart wasn’t in it. We did it because we wanted a something to symbolize that not everything was lost within our little walls. We decorated it with haste. We didn’t buy new decorations. We didn’t play the usual Christmas music. It was quiet as we wrapped the lights around the small tree. It felt lonely even though we were all there. I watched my mom run in and out of her room. She was getting hammered off beer and trying to convince us that she wasn’t drinking. The thing about us alcoholics is that we forget that you can SMELL the liquor. You can SEE it in your eyes. We are the only ones trying to fool ourselves. We (my siblings, father and I) say mean things and it hurts you can see it in her eyes. She winces and puts her guard up. She pretends not to care. I usually don’t realize what I say and the minute I do I say goodbye. I don’t want to treat her that way, she doesn’t deserve it but emotions can drive you to places you don’t want to go sometimes. I tell my dad to leave her alone. I tell my sister that if it gets to be too much that she can come stay with me. I tell my brother Go talk to her I think she’s crying. Fix it. She’ll listen to you, her golden boy. I went home that night and drank brandy on ice. I sat on my couch staring at the blank TV screen. I thought of that girl. I thought of my mom. I wanted to cry but drank it numb instead.

A Socialite's Life

2005-12-12T15:44:00.000-08:00

I don’t like to toot my horn but this weekend I was on point. I made my way to three parties in two days. I literally fell into my bed after a long hot shower last night a little before midnight. It started Saturday morning at 8am and didn’t stop until Sunday night. Get up. Go. Get up. Go. Get up. Go.

This morning as soon as I felt the light start to rise through my bathroom window I felt refreshed. It was 6am on the dot and I knew it because the last three weeks I haven’t been able to sleep past that time. I grabbed my blankets and pulled them close. Go back to sleep asshole. It didn’t work, so I tossed for an hour before pulling myself out of bed.

Saturday morning we met with the realtor who is finalizing the sale of our current home. The old landlord is out and new one’s are coming in. I had a party to go help create so we had to meet at 9:30am rather than 10:30am. I had Cruz drop me off at the BART and into the city I went. The train was packed for a Saturday morning. I am assuming everyone wanted to shop but didn’t want to deal with the traffic. We started set up at 11am. Call the caters. Call the DJ. Clean the counters. Move that over there. Dim the lights there. Get more lights. Make copies of this. Sweep back there. Help the caters bring up their things. Help the bartender find towels. Make sure the glasses are clean. Cut the pictures out. Move the screen over. Put the tables together. Bring out the dishes. Get more napkins. Where is the key to the elevator? Is the fish dead? No, it’s just lazy. The list can continue but as the sun started to go down and the rooms started to Glow it was clear that the four of us had created something spectacular. My boss tried to take a 15 minute cat nap under her desk that turned into 3 minutes when the caterer couldn’t find enough forks. Up again. Go. Go. Go.

The night and the mood was set. We danced. We drank. We hugged. We gave speeches. We chanted (ok they chanted and I was embarrassed). We drank. There were camera’s everywhere. Thankfully enough I would say that no one was caught doing embarrassing things. Like playing along with the drum guy cause you “swore” you were on beat. Ok now that I am thinking about it maybe I was as drunk as the rest of them. It was an open bar after all. I wish I could capture the night properly but it was just one of those things you had to be at to understand.

I got home at 230am Sunday morning only to rise again at 8am to prepare for my mom’s surprise party. Go. Go. GOOOOO! Get the cake. Call the fam. Get the balloons. Clean the kitchen. Make sure everyone is there on time. Have a break down because no one is listening! Take a deep breath. Surprise! The look on my mother’s face is something I’ll never forget. We’ve never had one for her before and she couldn’t contain her tears. She was totally taken back. She hugged me then smacked my arm. She knew it was my doing. We’re kind of funny that way. My mom and I. I don’t know how to use words with her. It’s not enough, she doesn’t understand until she really sees’ it. We spent the afternoon laughing and eating. We filled her cake with as many candles as it would hold and she blew them out in one breath. It was her day and she was humbled. It was written on her face every time someone hugged her. She called me this morning to say thank you again.

5:30pm Sunday afternoon. I have a party to be at. Go. Go. Go. I call Jose and ask him to wait for me. I’m right around the corner. Give me ten minutes please. He agrees to wait. I grab my bags out of my brothers car and quickly rush into the house to take another shower. I always have to smell good when I go to the bar because people like to hug me there and since it was going to be the Holiday party I knew there gonna be hugs all around. I knew my ex was at the house. I still hadn’t called him but I didn’t have time to talk or explain. Cruz had invited him to come for a little while. They had a movie date for later that evening. We all jump into separate cars. We get to the bar and off I go. I make a b-line for the back bar where I knew there would be no line. Cold Corona please and then I say hello. Casually jumping from group to group. Hugging my favorites. I love my boys. We were all separated for most of the evening. I wanted to sit and not worry about anything. I lent a hand for a few minutes when the bartender ran out of glasses in the back. Just a quick help and then I got my chair for the Drag Show. It was one of the funniest, campy Christmas shows I had ever seen.

When 11:00pm finally rang we called it a night and home we went. My hot shower felt good after walking in out of the cold night air. I let the water beat against my back and let the heat sooth my bones. I drank a total of six beers the entire time we were there. I was in no rush to get hammered. I was in no rush to wake up with a hangover. I was happy that Jose, Rene and I (Team Gay) sat around and played word games on the little screen by the bar. I was tired but content. I helped things happen this weekend. I like that feeling.

I was offered another job with the catering service that did our party Saturday night. I’m considering taking it on for the extra cash. It would only be once or twice a month on the weekends and the possibilities of doing trendy parties in the city are oh so tempting.

It is what it is...

2005-12-08T13:18:00.000-08:00

I am fighting this unsettling, creeping, restless, "caged bird" syndrome. I am the only one that holds the key to that cage. I can't say that I am doing anything that is healtjy for me. From eating to drinking but I am moderating. I want to really just drink a bottle of Jack or Jose but I drink beer instead because it doesn't hurt as bad in the morning.

I am constantly staying away from the city because I've worked hard at getting away from the spending and the partying. Yet it calls me. Especially when it's cold because getting lost in the sea of bodies would give me some kind of warmth. I imagine the dark bars that are secretly calling me. I imagine that side slowly dying but I miss it. Maybe living outside of the city isn't good for my little restless heart. I get bored of watching TV, playing games, doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, making dinner, attempting to read a book. I feel weighed down by that boring life.

We don't throw parties (unless there is an occasion). We don't have people over (the guy on the couch and the significant other don't count). I'm too young to feel like this is it. We don't go out just to go out. I need to find new people to hang out with but I don't have the drive to go out there and get them.

Cruz goes to midnight showing's of movies I'm not interested in. Jose won't leave the house unless coaxed. Cruz likes to go to all the Madonna events and I'm certainly not interested in that either. Jose likes to go to all the fantasy movies, blah for me there too. I don't like to do things by myself. I spend enough time alone for the three of us and it's certainly not any fault of theirs.

Right now though I'm regretting not having a fucking car to just get into for a long drive. I don't need a destination. I just need to feel like I can go.

I talk to a girl (whom I adore) everyday because she's my friend and sometimes it feels like the only one I have but she lives miles away. But she's marriedd with children and a husband so even if she were here it wouldn't change much.

Shit shit shit shit. That's all and it is what it is and it is what it's not.

Email Me!

2005-12-07T09:33:00.000-08:00

I finally figured out how to add the link to email me. I'm working on making the site more interactive.

I noticed that there are a lot of readers across the board (Clustrmaps on the left hand side under the links). It's so amazing to me. So I wanted to say hello and thank you for reading.

SO now everyone can send me hatemail! or lovemail! or nomail! Which would be ok too you know.

The Bracelet

2005-12-05T16:34:00.000-08:00

He gave it to my one day randomly. Though I still don't know where it came from. He came to visit me at the bar with our Older Lady Friend after a night out. I think it was after a play or a movie.

"Here I think this will look good on you," he showed it to me.

I coudn't figure out how to latch it on. He helped me put it on and I haven't taken it off since. I like the sound it makes against the other bracelet. It's heavy, I think it's real silver. Maybe I became attached to it because it gives me security about our friendship. We haven't been on the same page for a very long time now. We argue about everything just about. Even about why the fish died or why I don't like the Madonna album. Sometimes I'm just a plain old asshole and I know it.

Saturday while working at the bar it fell of my wrist. I always notice when it's not there because I can't feel it clanking with the other bracelet. I stopped working for half an hour while pissing some of the bartendar's off. I made the bouncer follow me around with a flashlight for 15 minutes then I borrowed it to make sure it hadn't slipped off in one of the many trash cans. I felt them coming up unexpectedly as I headed for the employee room.

"Jose I think I lost Cruz's bracelet and I think I'm going to cry," I said trying to not let the tears fall.

"But babe it's not like you did it on purpose," he says.

"I know but I don't know why it's making me cry," I said taking a deep breath.

I couldn't go back out until I had myself under control. Thinking on it now, I still don't know what it was about losing something that he gave that put me in tears.There could be so many reasons I think. He's leaving soon. We aren't as close as we used to be. I suppose it's like losing the ring after the divorce. You try to hold on to something that reminds you of when it was good.

After composing and going back out I tried to focus on my job. Randomly I would look down at the floor or ask the bartender's if anyone had turned it in. No, sorry. I was convinced that it had come undone while I was throwing something in the trash. I had scowered the floors and counters. I had checked both sinks at both bar's and nothing. A little close to closing time Jason (the back bartender) comes up to me and asks me if I had lost a bracelet. In my haze I was assuming that they had asked him to keep his eyes peeled.

"Yeah, but I fucken lost it cleaning up after drunks," I said bitterly.

He opened his hand in his big palm was my little bracelet.

I yelped, "Oh my fucken God where was it?"

"It was stuck under that mat by the sink," he said grinning.

I hugged him and kissed him all over his pretty little face.

"Thank you so much you don't even understand. Shit I don't even understand," I said after giving him a bear hug.

"I think you just made my night," he says.

"Stop it. You have a girlfriend," I smacked his arm. He winked and walked away.

I'm not wearing the bracelet saddly enough until I can have it looked at so the latch doesn't come lose so easily. I miss the clank against my other bracelet and sometimes I miss him too.

The Andronico's Girl

2005-12-01T17:23:00.000-08:00

I was saddened last year (or has it been two) when the store closed around the corner from my job. I had a habit of going in there to get the ceaser chicken salad (which I love). Especially when I had a hang over. I would go in there and walk along their expensive lanes. The lunch rush swarming around me. I always looked for her. She had this smile that made my little heart jump. I once got close enough to see her name. Angela. How appropriate I thought. When it closed I was heartbroken I thought I’d never see her again.

Today however, that changed. My ride was parked outside as I rushed around trying to find an appropriate cake for the monthly birthday gathering. I grabbed a carrot cake and my salad and went to get in line. I should interject here that I have spent the day hung over. I fell off my bed last night (don’t ask me how I can’t remember). I was in a mood to get hammered and I accomplished just that. I drank Corona’s and shots of Jaegermeister. The reason it’s relevant is that because I was hung over I was not paying attention to my actual surroundings. You can’t see the cashiers because of the way it the checkout lines are set up. There were people in all of the lines except for lane 5. So I made a bee-line for that one and imagine my surprise when I was greeted with this dazzling smile. It was Angela.

In the movies (cause I like to imagine what would happen in a movie) I would have gotten weak knees and dropped the cake upside down on the counter. It wasn’t like that however. She was really pleasant. I made a quick check. Light brown or maybe light green eyes (I didn’t want to stare too long). Check. Straight white teeth. Check. As she bagged my things I checked her hands. No wedding ring. Check. We made small talk about computers (cause something was wrong with her cashier machine). I said something along the lines of “well you know when the computers go down the whole world stops and panics” she laughed. Music to my ears. Check. She wore one of those leather band watches. Hmmmm.

When she gave me my change our hands touched (I think everyone’s does at the grocery store). It’s something I never notice but I did today. My first instinct was to yank it back. As if touching my hand she’d know all my secrets or something. Keep it cool Silent. She’ll notice if you yank it back you idiot. It’s such a normal thing. Touching. It made me think of how I don’t do it enough.

I was giddy on the way back from the store. I’m in love with her.” I tell my driver. But don’t worry I’ll be over it in five minutes. I stared out the window at the messy rain pounding against the car. The sounds of splashing and people zooming by filled my ears.

Love. Funny how rain makes me think of love.

I missed her.

2005-11-30T13:21:00.000-08:00

I had ONE reason and ONE reason only to go the reunion.

That reason as I found out today was there. I am highly pissed and kicking myself in the ass for not going. The "car crash" was SO NOT WORTH missing her.

I am an asshole and will be regretting this moment for the rest of my life.

I called my roommate to share. His response, "Fuck you. I told you to go."

He did. He totally did. I should have listened. I will never say that again about anything he's ever told me to do but this time he was right and now I really want to cry.

Brangelina

2005-11-30T10:20:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you something. When I heard these two were making a movie together I thought “Good God I’m going to need a mop to clean the mess up.” (Use your imaginations). I didn’t go watch it in the theatre because I heard they edited out the sex scenes (I’m assuming to spare Jennifer Aniston’s heart). The first thing that crossed my mind ”What a fucken cheat. It’s Hollywood! What good is an Angelina movie without the sexy scenes?” Then the rumors started Brad splitting with Jen. This post isn’t going to be a celebrity gossip piece either because personally I don’t care.

Would YOU say no to Vixen Jolie or Papi Brad? I think NOT.

I am on neither Team Aniston nor Team Jolie. I am on Team Angie is MINE Bitches!

Upon watching a small clip of them during a press conference in Japan (Perezhilton.com) I have come to accept this little “thing” they have going. I’d watch their sex tape.

She has broken my heart again. If she only knew that I would leave my humble life to save the world along her side AND I’m great with kids! I bought Mr. & Mrs. Smith yesterday and I will be watching it tomorrow night with some beers. Anyone that wants to join me is more than welcome but you have to promise to not SPOIL it for me because I hardly watched the previews on purpose.

The Day before

2005-11-23T17:07:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here. It's 5:05pm. I'm waiting for the hand to hit 5:30pm. I want to go to my bar to have a beer. Maybe a few if I have anything to do with it.

My sister called me at 2pm.

"Hey stranger," I say into the phone. Half sarcastic. Half hurt cause she hasn't called me for three weeks now.

"Hey baby," she says. I can hear her smile.

"Uhm so am I still your sister or did you find someone else?" I ask.

"I have something to tell you," she gets quiet. I think of how she just came back from visiting her best friend lost her virginity, pregnant, gay. My mind raced.

"What happened A*****?" I ask.

"I think I miss you the most during the seasons," she says rather quietly.

I'm taken back because sometimes it feels like shes too busy growing into herself and I'm getting older.

"I like you better when you don't miss me," I say. My only defense against her because she really does melt me.

I'm sitting here thinking about the Marine Corps dinner's we used to cook because a lot of us couldn't go home. How we got together and planned and drank and cooked and laughed and found comfort in each other.

I'm sitting here thinking of how two years ago my grandfather had passed and my sister, cousin and I held it together and cooked dinner while our parents were off burying their own.

I'm sitting here thinking how last year my mom was still in her bed on medication. Barely able to move from her operation and how we all made an effort to make food that would be easy for her to eat. How we all had a prayer during dinner then ate around her bed so she wouldn't feel bad about not being able to get up with us.

I'm sitting here thinking about how last year in our little two bedroom apartment Cruz, Jose and I had cooked an anti-Thanksgiving dinner and we had some of our closest friends around to help us celebrate.

Today I am thinking how I wish T could be around.

Are you serious?

2005-11-22T17:28:00.000-08:00

I’ve been sitting on two days of how to exactly write this piece. I know most of you know that I’ve been back from BEAUTIFUL Acapulco for a few days now. With its almost unbeatable sunsets (Hawaii being number one and well I haven’t been anywhere else so maybe there are better but for now this works), hot weather, and GORGEOUS Brazilian rugby boys in uniform. We had beer with every sunset. Sitting under huts on the sands of the Mexican beaches. We watched the water crash into the lit rocks off our hotel balcony at midnight. We made wishes on falling stars at 3 o’clock in the morning. We sat by the poolside and basked in the sun from the first morning we set foot there. I came back with a killer tan. There are no wild stories to tell. We kept it cool and relaxed on my request. I didn’t want to run around and see or hear anything except the ocean waves crashing into the sands. We DID take an all you can drink boat cruise Saturday night, we DID get absolutely shit-faced one night at the two-for one pirate bar right down the street from our hotel. We DID spend the next day in the hotel room puking our guts out because of it. Damn it to hell with Mexicans and their tequila. We DID go shopping in the markets where you are bombarded with everyone trying to sell you something. So you see there are no wild stories to tell from Acapulco (sadly enough I suppose) there is however SOMETHING to write about.

It started out with a high school reunion that I never went to on Sunday. It started with me cooking breakfast for my boys because they bought me beautiful little fishies for my lovely tank. It started with beer and mimosa’s at 10 o’clock in the morning and well into the late evening. It started with some random thought of “I wonder what it would be like to sleep with him.” He was my prom date and ex-boyfriend after all. “Why not you need to get laid anyway.”

He is a charming boy. My roommates best friend. My ex-boyfriend. My solid regret after it was all over. While the rest of you are slapping each other high-five let me explain that it was not what I thought it was going to be. I felt like it was a group effort. Everyone feeding water to my little “flower” idea so it would grow, so it would be possible. I will spare you all the details. The important thing (I guess) is that I can no longer say that I never get laid.

It went from me instigating the situation. To him being too nervous and slightly drunk and he couldn’t quite get it to work. To me suggesting maybe a shower and then (cause I was drunk too) suggesting to get lube from Cruz (cause I knew he knew our “nap” before the reunion wasn’t a “nap” at all). To getting it to work but being overly excited and ending it before I even began to get to where I needed to be. It was a car crash people. It was like getting into a car with a drunk driver knowing you shouldn’t be there at all. I wanted to laugh at the situation but his feelings would have been hurt. He wanted to cuddle after and all I wanted to do was tell him to get off me. I didn’t want to hold his hand the morning after when he took me to work. I didn’t want him in my shower in the morning. I didn’t want him calling me to tell me that he was home and “thank you for last night” and “I really am sorry.”

I wasn’t going to put it down but for me it was just too funny to not share. The jokes haven’t stopped coming my way and I still haven’t called him. Maybe after the holiday.

You're Beautiful

2005-11-09T13:05:00.000-08:00

I was driving into traffic last night. The darkness makes all the day people nervous I think. For some reason no one wanted to merge properly. People were honking. Others were cutting people off. I just waited my turn because traffic doesn’t bother me. I finally got over far enough to see the city lights reflection off the bay water. I think it’s such a solid time of the year. I read a lot of people writing how November and December were the hardest time of the year. I think I agree. You realize how much colder and lonelier everything seems. The sun is not so bright. The sun is not around as long. The things that you let Summer and Spring take away come suddenly crawling back into you. The traffic crawled along when something about the song caught my ear. So I turned it up and listened.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Then I thought about the dreams that I haven’t written about that have happened in the last month. I haven’t written about the restless nights. Awake. Mid-sleep. Awake. The dog wakes me at dawn because he likes to bark at the morning birds. I watch television until the early morning hours. I think of how tired I am of the same old thing.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

My cousin had seen you at the mall just three days ago. She called me as soon as you parted to tell me that you had asked for me. She talked about how tall your daughter was. I though of how she turns eleven next year. At about the same time every year that our phone calls start. They will last until my birthday and then end again. Coincidence? More than likely but I know if they are happening to me then they are happening to you too. I’m sure you thought of me when you bumped into her. That’s the way these things work.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

This post wasn’t about her. It was about how this song brought so many memories to me. As I wander through life. As our eyes meet. As I connect and then let moments pass me by. As I live life. As I struggle to make it work.

The funny thing is the porn-star (from San Diego) called me last night asking why I hadn’t called. I said something witty. She finds me amusing and goes on to tell me about this date she went on with an ex-escort (I’m assuming it was a girl) which turned out to be a bomb cause it was her birthday and she wanted her birthday gift that she didn’t get.

“It sounds like a bad porn,” I tell her.

“It probably does,” she said laughing.

She’s young. Getting over someone she fell in love with. I don’t know what she wants from me. Just that she calls me when she thinks of me. We met once both in a very drunken state. I’m intrigued more than anything else. She is one of those out of my league girls but that’s what I like. Or maybe she isn’t and I just don’t remember. Or maybe it will never matter cause:

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
--James Blunt--

What the hell was that?

2005-11-08T11:28:00.000-08:00

I assuming because Jose and I had THE best time spending our last weekend drunk off our asses we had to do a repeat. So yesterday as we broke down the boxes of beer we started laughing.

"Holy shit that's a lot of beer," he said.

"Uhm that's not all of it," I said handing him another box and some more bottles.

"Did we drink all that beer?" he said still laughing.

"Well someone had too but there were four of us yesterday and three of us on Saturday," I threw some more bottles into the recycling bin.

I woke up with a hangover from hell Sunday morning. We spent the day cleaning house on Saturday and around 10am I got bored and decided I needed a beer to properly clean up. To which no one objected and so we drank. We drank well into the night and I'm sure I made an ass out of myself at the bar but since I never go and drink there it was in the cards to get shit-faced. Oh shots of Scooby Snacks and Kamikazee's and I can't remember what else but man was I on one Sunday morning. Jose made me get up stating that I was not going to spend the day in bed and that I had to eat something. So I rolled out of bed and jumped into a cold shower after he picked out my clothes. His BF (my partner in crime Saturday night) was running around the house like nothing. I despised him for it. When I got out of my shower there was an extra body in the house.

"Where is Izzy?" I asked. (that is not his name but I am protecting his identity).

"He's in the shower, " someone said (understand that all this was still a blur to me).

"Ooooh is he naked?" I said still half naked myself.

"Yeah you all should have taken a shower together. He is hung over too," someone said. ( I believe this was Cruz.)

So off I ran with a white-shirt on. My towel barely wrapped around my body and opend the door to a really naked man in a really hot shower and I almost lost my towel.

He laughed and I apologized explaining that I was probably still drunk or I'm sure I wouldn't be in the bathroom talking to him while he was showering. He thought this was funny and I ran back to my room to get dressed though I'm sure I mouthed "He's hot naked too" at least 30 times through out the day.

We all piled into the car and headed to the Pyramid for lunch. To be fair I still felt like shit so I did what any professional does we ordered a pitcher of beer! I did not take a drink until I was sure I could keep it down. I did my test run with some water and a coke (10 minutes later I was kneeling over toilet letting it all right back out but boy did I feel better). Lunch was nice. Four of us sitting around having some beers shooting the shit. It turned into an all day event of random conversations and me playing this one song that Cruz graciously downloaded for me but I am sure regretted it once he heard it for the fourth time in a row that night.

Moments people, little fucking moments like that when you realize you are surrounded by good people who drink just as much as you do and don't give you shit about it.

Oh Sunny Sunny Mexico

2005-11-08T10:24:00.000-08:00

I am hoping that the experience on which I am about to embark on will not leave me broke, without luggage and I can return with all my body parts in tact. I am going to Acapulco. I am going with my cousins from Stockton because they got this hair brained idea that it will be fun to do. I have never been into Mexico. Driven throught it most defintely. Wait I have been to Tijuana but it was only a day trip so I don't really count it. I am glad that I know Spanish and am really considering taking a wig so I won't look so uhm "Caucasian" but then I KNOW I will be mistaken for a hooker and that just isn't going to fly with me.

I see it this way. I will be drinking Bloody Mary's Friday morning sitting in the 87 degree sun. I don't have gadgets that I take with me when I travel nor do I carry a purse so no one will be snatching anything from me. I don't wear jewlery but am considering leaving my silver bracelet here along with my cell phone because losing them both would ruin the experience for me. I want to come back with a killer tan that everyone will be jealous of. I want to come back with lots of picture from gorgeous places and have everyone wish they had come along too.

I leave Thursday morning and will not return until Friday of next week. Seven days in the sun and when I return my sister will be home for the holidays. I am stoked. I have laundry to do and I need to shave my legs.

San Diego made me feel whole again

2005-11-01T20:05:00.000-08:00

I'm sure it was because Kev told us that we brought the sun down with us the weekend we flew into the sunny little city full of guys with shorts and man-sandals on and girls with perfect butts in perfect jeans.

Or maybe it was the amount of alcohol,roller coast riding on the boardwalk, wet(men)under contests, costume party going, drag-queen show GOSPEL brunches with bottomless mimosas (gotta love the gays), drunk gay man that insisted on grinding me with his semi-erect penis cause he thought I had a cute ass, Jose slapping me (not once but twice)because I mentioned someone's name, eating out for every meal, laughing, dancing, discovering I'm not gay because I hang out with gay men that prompt me to crotch watch and so now I barely look at girls unless they look like the porn star I met right before we had to board a plane and made out with because the bottomless mimosas, bloody marys' and Coronas'that we started drinking at 11am that morning insisted on telling me "why not you aren't gay anyway".

Incidentaly I think I may have had one of the best weekends ever. We talked about moving to San Diego for all the selfish reasons that we have when we get bored with what we have. While it would be a PERFECT scheme there is no money and we just signed a one year lease at the house we are at now. Change of pace is always good it refreshes you, which is why going away for a vacation is good. When I got home Sunday night it was weird to be sitting at home on my couch eating mushroom cream soup after strangers brought us back from the airport (granted I was stewing about how with my luck I met someone an hour before we had to get on a plane.)However, it also felt good to sleep in my bed wrapped up in my sheets.

We saw so much of San Diego (some days a little more blurry than others). Mostly it had to with the company. There is something comforting about finding a group of friends that you can just "be" with. I made my first drunken phone call to T in over a year because we missed her A LOT. I wished Cruz could have been there to share with us but he is going through his own things right now. We met so many people. People that were out there making the most of their life instead of waiting for life to happen to them.

Horoscopes

2005-10-27T12:04:00.000-07:00

Cancer Weekly: Stressful situations act like sunglasses. They darken our horizons. They reduce the amount of light that reaches our eyes. We can't see what's really going on because we are looking at the world through a filter. Everything starts to seem dull or bleak. Even the solutions to our problems appear weak and ineffective. We have to find some way to remove those spectacles. We can't just wait until we see so much sunshine that their presence becomes irrelevant. Find, this week, some real reasons to be cheerful. Dwell on those and you will rapidly realise that you have been worrying unnecessarily about an issue that will soon take care of itself.

Yesterday (Oct. 26): Some people invest in expensive burglar alarms. These cost them so much, that they then have to sell all their other possessions in order to pay for them. Others deliberately decide never to own anything. That way, they figure, they won't ever be in danger of incurring a loss. As with physical security, so with emotional self-protection. There comes a point when it all becomes counter-productive. It's better to live with the risk. Safety should not be your primary concern today. It's more important to be adventurous.

Today (Oct 27): Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. So said the poet, Tennyson. But is it? We spend a lot of our time and energy looking back on things that we wish had happened differently - or people that we miss. It often seems as if there is a lot to be said for keeping our shutters down, our eyes blinkered, our hopes harnessed and our emotions kept carefully in check. Sometimes, this is possible. Right now, for you, it just isn't. There is now a risk that you simply have to take.

Then last night I dreamt of meeting this beautiful creature with dark hair and blue eyes with a smile that knocked me on my ass. It feels like someone is trying to tell me something and a very big part of me wants to listen. The best part is I leave tonight for San Diego on a three day haitus. I am stressed from work and have one too many things on my mind. I need to step out of my being alone all the time. I have too before I just get used to be lonely.

San Diego here I come!

I can't

2005-10-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

I can't stop thinking about him sitting in the cold hospital waiting room. His arms folded across his chest. His leg tapping at a ridiculous pace. It's something he's done since highschool. I can't stop thinking about our conversation last night and him waking me up from a restless sleep this morning at 4:30am to tell me he had to go to the hospital. The rain started to fall at 7am and as I walked up into my office I felt a distinct pain in my chest. My eyes watered and I was sad for him. Despite our differences in the last few months. Despite our "divorce" I've known him for thirteen years now. Thirteen years of up's and down's of good times and bad.

I wish I could explain how it feels to want to do something for someone you love to help them get through rough times. If for only a minute or two to take some of that pain away. He's matured in so many way and changed in others but he's still my friend. His cousin of only seventeen is suffering from a blood disease and it's caused him to be hospitalized for a few weeks now. Last night however he suffered a heart attack and things are not looking good this morning.

I can't stop thinking about wanting to go home and making him some tea and maybe folding his clothes that are laid all over the floor because it's been that kind of month for him. I know what that feels like to feel like everything is just piling on and you really have to sit down and reflect and think about your life. I've done it a lot in the last year. I don't want him to go home to an empty house. I put one of his sweaters on this morning because it reminds me of him and I'm hoping for the best for him and his family.

Open Letter to Billy Blank's

2005-10-25T16:20:00.002-07:00

Dear Billy (aka Taebo instructor extraordinar),

I have a few things I would like to say about your little work out. I have been on your tape for a day now and there are a few things I would like to address:

1. Why are there no "big people" in your little group of motivators? Oh and when I say "big people" I mean people like me who can't wear spandex and skin tight tank tops that show of their rippling bodies. I'm sure it's for motivational purposes but if you had "big people" in your program maybe you would realize that doing lots of jumping jacks will eventually lead us to just stop because it plain ol hurts to jump like that. Especially if you are blessed with boobies which most of your cast is not.

2. Why do all of your cast insist on yelling "whoooo" and clap like they just won a million dollars after EVERY exercise? While I do understand that peer encouragement is probably necessary for most it causes me to think bad thoughts and role my eyes because well it's just plain ol annoying to hear it constantly. I don't know if you were aware of this but most of us "big people" buy this kind of thing so we can work out ALONE at home in the privacy of our own rooms where no one will see us sweat or give up in case we can't keep up.

3. What is the purpose of that perky blonde in the front?? Where the hell did you find that one? I keep hoping that the resistant band will come lose and pop her in the head everytime she slaps you five after every exercise. If you are hittin that can I suggest you tell her to save the enthusiasm for the bedroom?

4. Why do you insist on telling the viewer "come on give me one more"? You know they are probably flippin you off and I am sure that's not exactly what you meant by "one more".

5. One other suggestion. Most of us are not martial artists so when you tell us to give you a "full kick" you should probably warn people about not over extending their kicks. It could cause things that I am sure where not to supposed to pop to do just that and then it's really over because then you start yelling "come on you can do it!" to which I can only respond "Stop fucking yelling at me I just popped my knee asshole!"

6. Why do you hold hands at the end? That reminds me of a cult. If I were in your little cast I would make sure to stand in the back so none of them could touch me.

Other than that though I can tell you that I will be back. I WILL continue to give you "one more" and can I tell you that this better work!!

thank you very much,
A Big Person

The Penis

2005-10-21T11:13:00.000-07:00

I realize that it's been a while. Sometimes I just don't feel like writing. I get out of practice or I don't have too much to say about anything which is probably a good thing. Last night I was told that I am meloncholy. I think I liked that. I met Emmy for dinner and headed to the local watering hole. We shot the shit around rounds of beer.

I watched her with her new girl. Cute. Today my cousin told me she is no longer single. Cute. Jose is in Vegas with his boyfriend on a little get away. Cute. (For the record he made it to Vegas before me and I've lived here in California forever). I was asked about her yesterday and my mind wandered into wondering what she's doing then I turned it off. She still hasn't returned my calls. It's going on months. Not Cute. Madonna's new song which totally samples an old song from Abba. Not Cute. I think people MAKE themselves like her music because it's Madonna. While I will croon to her oldie's and dance like a funky chicken to them as well I am not so "Hung Up" on her newer stuff. (Get it.) The woman is brilliant however and has built a following that God himself probably doesn't have anymore (I'm going to get by lightning for saying that I know it.) Ladies I don't know if anyone else has pointed this out but when you are in a public restroom always use the stall furthest from the door. It's instict to go to to the first stall so it's much dirtier. I somehow came up with this at the end of the night last night but not before my boss flashed his penis at me. For a gay man he certainly knows how to charm me.

Oh here we go with my penis rant. The though of a limp penis makes me giggle. I'm sure I have covered this somewhere. Erect penis. Not so funny but that's not the point. The point is that I think I am a closeted straight girl living in a gay world. He had a lovely penis and it was limp. (I can't believe I just wrote that either.) Then my other co-worker commented on his penis and well I had to know if it was bigger than his. To which he answered "No but his is thicker I think. You want to see?"
Jose was laughing his off next to me. He joined us after work for a beer before going home. I said yes then changed my mind realizing that I was looking at penis's of my co-worker's at the bar and I liked it.

On THAT note I will leave you to your thoughts of penis all day today.

Crisp Mornings

2005-10-13T15:13:00.000-07:00

The crisp hug of winter is slowly starting to wrap it's cold arms around us. The windows are starting to frost. Soon the leaves will all be gone from the trees. The stores have started to put out decorations for the holidays. I can't sleep with my windows open anymore the morning air is too cold now. I wrap myself in the blankets trying to not move from my side of the bed where it is warm to the other side where it is cold. I think about how another lonely winter will haunt me. I like to go to Toys' R' Us during the holidays to watch the kids running around with wide eyes not being able to decide what Santa should leave under the tree. This year I have realized that almost every one I know from back in the glory days has a child or two in most cases.

I have thought about that a lot. I feel like I am behind the curve with just about everthing in my life. At 28 I had wanted so much more for myself. Last night for the first time in TOO long probably we all hung out in the kitchen area while Cruz played some tunes from the computer. J was cooking dinner since I had sliced my finger doing the dishes. We just sat there and talked about little things. It wasn't one of those magical moments. It wasn't the conversation. There wasn't anything that monumental about the evening but for the first time I think in months ALL three of us where just hanging out. It reminded me of when J first moved out here. We'd go grocery shopping, call each other during the day, plan something for the evening, or text lyrics from random songs. During the half hour I think that we spent talking I thought about when Cruz and I made the move to live together. We are so different now. Strangers almost. J has lost his ghetto swagger from when he moved in too. All three of us crammed into a two bedroom apartment trying to get our lives together.

Cruz is moving to New York this coming March and if my instincts are right I'm pretty sure that J and his BF will want to live together soon. This will probably be our last Christmas together. I thought about our anti-Thanksgiving dinner we had last year and the Ferrett lady in the Castro at Halloween. This is what the crisp air brings to me. Melancholy will set in soon and I'll start to miss and remember a lot more things.

The Fundraising Whore

2005-10-11T10:22:00.000-07:00

My days of saving the world are over for now. I'm not sure if any of you knew this but I held a carwash a few weeks ago to send money to the Red Cross. There were a total of six that showed up to help with the cause. We raised about 150 in the three hours that we were out there. I wasn't content with the amount but SOMETHING is always better than NOTHING. I did get a little souvenir for my efforts, a purple middle finger that I smashed while I was shutting the garage door. I was discouraged with peoples lack of compassion but I got over it when someone reminded me that I couldn't control other people's way of thinking. They either want to help or they don't. I had to accept that.

This Sunday we had a Fundraiser at my bar. I had my brother help with the fliers and distrubted then last Sunday at the Castro Street Fair with my roomie (J). We got absolutely plastered that day. We got there at 2pm and made if home (barely) at 11pm that night. We were SUPPOSED to have dinner but somehow missed that part of the evening cause we were too busy running around handing out fliers to all the beautiful people and taking shots with our girl crew at the Cafe. I managed to lose my $5 dollar Gucci knock-off's and my camera with all the pictures we took for the day (so fucking sad). We partied and made asses out of ourselves and I insisted on telling all my friends how "hot" they were.

Anyway (J) and I went shopping Sunday morning. We bought matching red shirts and jeans. The shirts said "Third Base Coach". We figured we'd attract as much attention as possible to sell jello-shots and raffle tickets. We had a fabulous lunch at the California Pizza Kitchen (including two Cosmo's cause it was that kind of morning). There is something about hanging with the a person who shares the same retarded notions about life (I missed T for a moment knowing that she'd be there laughing right along with us.) After showering and spraying ourselves with smell goods we headed to the bar to begin the fundraising. It was a slow start and they didnt need our help that early for the set up so we sat around and had some beers with the crew.

An hour later I had come with an idea on how to sell the most raffle tickets. The idea was to "Get measured for $5 worth of raffle tickets" so we put a spin on it. If we had J measure the men (crotch to toe) and the woman measured me (nipple to nipple around the back) I knew the tickets would sell. So I verbalized my half buzzed idea and off we went. Sure enough I think J felt up every crotch and the ladies were more than happy to measure my assets. We sold $250 worth of raffle tickets by the end of the night. Some even came back for seconds. I also auctioned myself off on a date. One of the regulars bought me for $55 which is not too bad considering the highest bid was $65. The Bacardi girl gave me a Bacardi Jersey cause I got them free drinks and let her measure me for a good cause. Somehow the jersey has come up missing from the bar ( I am upset about this since i let her feel my up. Granted she was hot but that is besides the point AND I was the only one that got one. One of those fairies took it because it was in the very back in the beer room but there are more important things to fret over I suppose.)

The total for the event was close to $1800 dollars. It was exciting to be a part of something that in the long run will have a positive outcome for someone in need. I am over it now. Not that I don't want to help some more but I think I gave what I could. I'd like to say thank you to those that came Sunday. It was good to see the support.

45,244

2005-10-06T14:41:00.000-07:00

That's how many times someone has read my page in the last two years. I am obssessed with the numbers. I don't know why. but I do know that somehow I want to find a counter for this page. It's intriguing to me that people find me, read me then come back. My lack of posts sometimes is more lack of words than stories. I can't formulate the words to fit the way I want them too sometimes. Sometimes I don't want put anything down because I don't know what the readers will say.

That's a big number though. It makes me nervous. Like I have to write about SOMETHING. Then just like that it goes away. The numbers can't rule me but I am flattered. Then I think of the amount of people on the internet (billions) and that number doesn't seem so big anymore.

Who know's but even after the move (and I hope most of you updated the link) the numbers still climb. I want to take my archives and put them on here from the other page. That is something I'll have to learn how to do. I'm sure there are tutorials out there I have to search for.

To think this thing started with me getting over love. I needed somewhere to put my thoughts down and I was ok with people letting random people know all kinds of random things.

The Tide is turning

2005-10-04T14:41:00.000-07:00

Oddly enough my cousin has started reading my daily horoscopes. Apparently the full moons and eclipses will help me become a superstar this month. While I know I need to really focus on a few things a thought crossed my mind as I was watching the bodies and bodies of gays wander around in the Castro this Sunday. I am truely blessed to know the people I know.

This weekend was so busy for me. My sister came into town from school so I spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday mornings with my family. Friday and Saturday I worked at the bar. Sunday I was determined to wander into gayland for the festivities.
I started getting calls from people that I haven't seen in months to see where we would be. What we were going to drink. What time we were going to leave. Meet us here for a shot. Come over here so and so was looking for you. Hey, where the hell have you been. I bought knock off Gucci glasses for five bucks to hide the wandering eyes which I am known for having. We handed out fliers for this weekend's event. I am selling myself for the good of man. My place is holding a HUGE fundraiser in the east bay this Sunday. We handed them out to anyone who stopped. We gave extras for friends to distrubute. We told people "You don't have to decide today. Hold on to it. Think about it. Then decide."

Seeing everyone at some point through out the day made me feel good about things. I realized that just cause you dont see someone all the time doesn't mean they won't remember you. I found the dancer. In the sea of bodies and almost two blocks from the stage there she was. Jose called me from the pora-john's. "Hey I found them but you should look on stage." So I did and there she was wearing leg warmers and glistening in the sun. I got my fix. We found other places to go. We ended up at the cafe swarmed by bodies who were just as drunk and happy as we were. I danced my ass off and then lost everyone at the end when i decided that I REALLY needed to eat something.

I'm not sure what path I am headed down right now. I know that being out and seeing people this last month has helped me realize how socially I had cut myself off. I can't keep doing that. I am meant to be out there. Not for the thrill of the kill but for the thrill of the fun.

Maybe it doesn't matter

2005-09-29T20:20:00.000-07:00

Today I discovered that there are things that I have to let go. It doesn't matter that the man was in his car for two days. It doesn't matter that he was old. It doesn't matter that no one noticed his door had been open. It doesn't matter that he didn't have anyone to call. It doesn't matter that I stopped because I drove past him several times in the last two days and I wanted to make sure there wasn't a dead person in the car. It doesn't matter because when Cruz called me to tell me that the paramedics left him there I was totally confused.

"He isn't doing anything illegal and all his vital signs are fine," he says.

Let's ignore that there was a needle on his dashboard and he couldn't move his legs. Nevermind that the fucken car smelled of urine and he just needed money to get gas for his car. Nevermind that he had no one to call. It's not anyone else's problem that the guy is probably doped up and when I asked him if he was ok all he said was "Please can I have some water."

His hands shook and I admit I was scared to touch his bottle. I will not lie and say that I didn't come back to work and scrub my hands. I took one good look in the mirror and the thought that people die like that everyday touched me. The thought that that old man was probably someone's father or son got to me. He had to come from somewhere.

I tried to turn his car on. I asked him to move over but the lines were cut. There wasn't anything I could do so I called the police.

"What is your emergency?" she asked.

"Well I don't know if I called the right number but there is an older man sitting in a blue truck on (insert address here) and he's been in there for at least two days, " I said.

"What is his name?"

"I don't know."

"Well is he hurt."

"I don't think so. Look I don't know anything about the man. He is in his truck. He can't move his legs. His car won't start."

"But he is moving?"

"Yes ma'am but he's been in there for two days and I don't know if he is sick or something."

"I see. Well we'll send someone over."

Click. To their credit it took them about five minutes to get there. They didn't ask anything from me. The emergency personel told me they'd handle it from there. I got into the car. The only thought that came to me was "No one noticed that old man." I'm not out to save the world people. It's never about being a "good samaritan" or "doing a good deed for the day" for me. Who came up with anyway? It's about compassion. It's about noticing things outside your world. It's about taking the time to breathe life in. It's about being good to other people. It's about caring for others. It's about stepping outside of yourself. How can we be so blind to each other? How can we just be so caught up that things like that stop mattering? It's just another face, another bum, another dope head, another person that lost their way. It's not me. It doesn't matter.