I shook hands with the Devil

I called her and left her a message along the lines of this:

"Hey it's me. I know you probably don't want to hear from me right now and I KNOW I shouldn't be calling you either but I hope you take the time to really listen to this message. I know that you and I will always have our quirks. That's how this relationship is but I don't want to not have you around for the holidays. I don't want to miss out on the important things that are happening because time is short for us both. Look J. my issues are buried and I'm over the bullshit. I think we've been friends for too long to not allow each other to be a part of each other's lives everytime we go through this. Anyway the point of this message was to tell you that I'm willing to put it all aside ...well I can at least promise to try. Just think about it. Hopefully I'll hear from you soon."

For the first time in years I didn't hold my breath and I didn't check my phone every five minutes to check to see if she'd returned my call. No, I calmly went about my day here at work. I went home and started a good workout which totally whooped my ass. I have cuts on my hands from the punching bag and my legs are a little wobbly this morning but all in all it felt good to let go.

After leaving the message I felt a weight come off me. Maybe it was because I allowed myself to see past what she was doing to me and into what she no longer deserves. She will never hear any sweetness from my voice again. I will never say "I love you" and wait to see if she will return it, I will never say "I love you" again. I will not hold her hand while we watch movies or make room for her on my lap. I will not make her tea on her long days or go out of my way to have sweets at the house when she stops by. I will not send her flowers with words of honey for her to bask in. I will not be everything she needs because she doesn't deserve it from me. I am taking my heart back and I will make it whole again. She has no right to it anymore.

Maybe many men will lay in her bed. Maybe many men will kiss her lips. Maybe many men will run their hands over her body but none will be me. I will savor that as mine to have because none will know her the way I do.

SSHHhh...It's the silence that kills me

I think I would rather be in a room of obnoxious drunk assholes than be alone inside my head. I can't make myself shut-up long enough to take a deep breath and let things go. There is nothing new happening here. This is not something I haven't already treaded through. This time it was a little too real to just chuck it aside. Like last year's fruitcake which you know you'll never eat but you keep it around because who knows you might actually try it someday.

I wish I could sit still long enough without her being there. I wish that I could be honest enough with myself and say Silent. you know it's never gonna happen baby. Then I'd want to hold myself and run my hands through my hair and let myself cry because sometimes the pain is really that unbearable.

I don't want to be consumed by the things that she's doing with someone else. I don't want to think about how he gets to spend the much deserved time that I want before she leaves. She's with him because we were falling in love again and it scared her. She doesn't want to feel this way. I don't want to either. Not anymore. I thought I did but after the long binge of last week and the endless thoughts and dreams that won't give me peace I'm almost positive I don't want her either. At least not in that way. We're fine. We'll always be "cool" as she likes to put it.

But I'm not and that is the reality of it and I'm the one that has to live with that. I'm the one that's laying in bed alone just wishing someone would feel this way about me. I can't carry her stuff around on my shoulders. My load is already much to heavy to try to figure things out for someone else.

It reminds me of a lines from my favorite Poet Pablo Neruda: "I don’t love her, that’s certain, but perhaps I love her.Love is brief: forgetting lasts so long."

I want to travel and see the world. I want to wake up in the mornings and not feel so heavy and alone. I want to enjoy the little things and get to know other people but I can't seem to function and somedays I just don't want too. I want to be able to share the things that I want to with someone real not just with the reader's (and you guys are great for even stopping here). I'm just tired of trying to make sense of things all the time.

I should say....

That between the two posts the Oct and the new one today.

Things had been "lovely". That's the word she likes to use.

I should say that I didn't fill in the details for fear that today's post is exactly where I thought I would be from the last post. We moved on together from the boy only to come back to him a month later. In the same circle.I will not fill in the blanks. Cause quite frankly I feel like it's not worth it after today. I was ready to write the fairy tale ending not realizing that like Adam (from the bible) I bit into the apple the minute our lips met.

The greatest fool of all time.

"Silent you should move on," she says. "It's not that I don't love my daughter but she doesn't deserve you."

Are you tired of reading it? Because I'm tired of writing about it. I'm tired of feeling this confused and unhappy. I'm tired of living my life by a thread just waiting. Waiting for her to call so I can drop everything and be consumed by her only to be spit out again. Come back again real soon. I'll be waiting here to take everything you have just to watch you bleed again at the end. Then I would gather my soul and the shards that are left of my heart and put myself together certain that this time the armor is strong enough.

"I pray for it to go away," I answer back. "I PRAY for it to go away that's how bad I get."

She sighed. She called me to let me know that the psycho that I was trying to get Her away from started coming around again. The one she swore off of. I haven't heard from her since last Wed. No response to my v/mails. Nothing in return to my text's. I knew it was happening again. She's changed and usually that means another man.

"She just can't accept that she might be...you know?" she answered.

"I don't really talk about it anymore. You know how they say its like beating a dead horse? My horse is nothing but bones now," I laughed thinking that it was a pretty clear picture.

So we talked for a total of three hours today and I spilled everything. I spilled the last few months. I spilled about our constant cycle. I spilled about the tension and the uncertainty. I spilled about feeling abandoned as soon as she takes what she needs.

"I hope someday I find someone that adores me the way you do with her," she said after a while.

"I'm sick......I can't feel this sick anymore....no one deserves this pain. It's not worth it," I said. "I can't accept that I've made these last eight years up. I can't accept that it's only been me this whole way. That's a fucken long time you know?"

"It's not just you. I can tell you that," she answered vaguely.

I wanted to ask her "Does she talk about me? Does she say anything about us? Please just tell me." But I don't. I know the answers. I've always known the answers. So instead......

"Is he staying the night?" I asked.

Two weeks ago I had sent her flowers to her job. I had placed my words in the most beautiful order. When I read it back to myself it made ME smile and they weren't even meant for me. She called me to ask instead "Did you send me flowers?" It fucked up my day. Later when she realized how short I was being she asked what was wrong.

"I think you think that HE sent you those flowers. So it takes the meaning away. It's almost like you were hoping they were from someone else instead of me," I answered. I was so pissed and disappointed at the same time.

"OMG stop. Don't waste your energy on that...I'm not sitting at work romanticizing about him. He would never use those words or know what to say the way you do. You just signed differently and I wasn't sure," she answered defensively.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm tired and I didn't mean to come off like that."

I suppose all red flags should have come up then but you see I'm color blind with her. Any flag is always going to look white because believe it or not she is all I see. The answer to the question is yes he's staying the night and according to all accounts he isn't just sleeping there. So for the third time these last two weeks I have cried myself to sleep. Not really understanding what any of this means.

I don't know that I'll ever let anyone this close again. I know that I can become the person I was before coming home from the military. The one that uses people to fill the void. The person that drinks until it aches because I think I'm more charming that way. I'm done trying to be the "right one". I have proven myself and my heart over and over to her. I have done EVERYTHING that most of you would dream of and that's what makes it worse. The fact that most of us are waiting around for exactly what I have given her.

Does this mean this is the last I write of her. No because if you've been following I am the greatest fool of all time.

I hate

To write about the things that are happening to me right now. I'm ready to die from the inside. I didn't expect her mom to call me. To tell me that things aren't going as well as they should be. Please call her and talk to her. I told her I've been calling since Sunday and she won't return or pick up my calls. She took a deep breath. She made me promise so I promised.

"She's seeing someone," she said quietly.

And slowly and clearly my world has come undone. Slowly and clearly I have been a fool from the start. Slowly and clearly I am sick with words that I can not even begin to explain.

Slowly I answered, "Since when?"

I though of the flowers and the little notes. I thought of our time together. I thought of the stupid confessions and all the lies that she's fed me. I love you. It's what most of us wish to hear. It's what most of us live for and crave. I see my future clearly. I am becoming something I'm not going to like and right now I'd rather have that than the shit that is living inside of me.

"It's that guy she was seeing. The young one that she went to the christmas party with?" she was whispering.

"Yeah I know who it is.....what the fuck?" I said.

"You promised," she reminded me.

"I know...I'm not going to say anything. She'll tell me eventually," I said. My hand started to shake a little. I leaned against my car and put it in my pocket.

"You know I wouldn't have called you. Except that I don't trust him. He's a con and he's gonna ask her to marry him," she said.

The wind went out of me then. I watched as the planes took off on the flatline. Marry. Him. I feel like I pushed her into it. I caused her to run into someone elses arms because she doesn't want to feel anything remotely intimate with me.

"It's my fault," I whispered. "She does this everytime we get emotionally involved."

This isn't like the movies. The good guy won't win this battle.

"He's gonna try to move in before we leave. He's gonna try to come with us and I'm scared for her and us as a family," she confided.

"Look," I took a deep breath. "We'll fix it ok. I'll get it out of her and then we'll go from there. I haven't met him but I don't like that he just shows up out of no where to sweep her of her feet."

"Ok. I'm sorry. I just didn't know who else to call. She listens to you," she said.

"Is she falling for it?" I needed to know.

She took a deep breath, "***** I won't lie to you and tell you that nothing is happening with them. It wouldn't be right to lead you to believe that nothing is there between them. He fed her a story about how he got beat up and he doesn't have anywhere to go. He shammed his way into that last place and now he wants to do it to her. He asked to move in. He asked her daughter if he could marry her mom. It's bullshit. All of it is bullshit."

Kind of like what she is doing to me. I thought.

"So maybe she is then huh?"

"I hope not," she said.

We hung up the phone and instead of coming into my office I sat in my car. Lost in the conversation I just had. My hands start to shake everytime I give it too much thought. She isn't stupid that's the thing that's bothering me. I have to wonder why she's doing it. I have to wonder if I already know the answer.

I wish

I were there. I wish I was right there getting tanked at some stinky old bar. I wish I was there laughing about the "grown-up" diaper that you have on. I wish that I was there to forget life and say fuck it.

Today a very close friend of mine called me to tell me that she had cervical cancer. We were watching the Real World/RR challenge on Sunday and one of the girls on there was in remission from the very same thing. I remember thinking "God at that age...." The girl was 24. My friend is 29. When she told me this morning I felt another quick stab in my heart.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked. I didn't THINK that I heard her right.

"Look, it's like I told my sister. It's not like I haven't done everything I had set out to do in my life." I cut her off.

"What the fuck *****. Don't say that. You didn't even know how bad it is," I felt my tears come up.

"It's cancer babe. There is no where else left to go but up after that kind of news," she said.

"What are you doing?" I asked quite suddenly aware of her silence.

"Getting high before I go get my biopsy," she giggled a little.

"How many beers?" I asked. Knowing with a sudden reality that she wasn't going to face any of this alone much less sober.

"Including the one I'm having? Three," her coarse laugh filled my senses.

She has this contagious laugh. I love when she just lets go and has a good laugh. Most of the time we were sitting side by side going toe to toe, beer after beer. After her appointment she called me.

"Hey did you know they give you adult diapers?" she asked. "I never wore pads this fucken big back when I did get a period."

I couldn't help but laugh. I don't want to feel like she's going to be a victim of this "thing". She's been a fighter for as long as I've known her.

"Uhm no I didn't know that. Please tell me you aren't enjoying wearing that thing?" I asked laughing.

"Fuck you dude," she said laughing. "I'm going to go pick up my mom but I wanted to call and tell you that I won't know where I am until Friday. They made me cancel my work trip though so.....who knows."

"How many now?" I asked. I couldn't help but think of the past. We weren't good at dealing with anything. Instead we drank until one of use puked. We drank until she would flash the bar for a free shot. We drank until we didn't need a dare to run into the cold ass water at 2am in the morning in ALL our clothes just to say that we did.

"Not enough, I wish you were here right now. At least I'd have someone that wouldn't try to talk about it. We'd just sit around and play shitty jukebox music, talk and have a good laugh," she said. "This sucks *****."

"Hey you know as soon as you know the dates I'm the first one on the plane....but you have to tell me. If you don't say anything I won't know," I felt everything inside me turn.

"I love you. I have to go," and she hung up.

"I love you too," I said to the dead air.

I'm scared for her. For all kinds of reasons. The least of them being the cancer.

When I was young

When I was young I used to clean when I got upset. I couldn't sit in my room and just cry. I've never been good at that. When my parents would fight or my dad would make me so angry that I could feel myself getting sick I would clean the kitchen. Sometimes he would taunt me.

"Oh she's cleaning today. She must be mad," he would say as he drank his beers.

I refused to cry. I refused to let him get to me but one day he pissed me off so bad that as I cleaned his car I decided that it would be funny to kick his door. So I did. He charged at me from inside the house a beer in his hand. I started laughing and crying with the hose still in my hand. The water spilled onto my shoes but I didn't feel it until one of my aunts came and took the hose out of my hand. She put her hand on my back and led my inside to take my shoes and socks off.

I remembered that story today as I started to clean the kitchen.

"Hey," she said.

"Hi," I answered.

"Guess what?" she asked.

"You are coming over to see me?" I answered.

"You're funny. I got my certification for cosmetology in Hawaii," she answered.

I sat down. The boys were on the computer looking for a book. We were supposed to go to the book store and to dinner later.

"Wow congrats. What does that mean exactly?" I asked. I didn't want to really here the answer.

"Well the classes I have to take are in January," she said.

"Damn so you are gonna have to fly back out there?" I asked. I felt my stomach clench.

"No, that means we have to be moved and done with this place by then," she answered. She sounded so excited.

"Well congrats," I answered.

I knew she was planning on going back. We had been talking about it for almost two months now. I helped her get in touch with some people while she was out there two days ago. I KNEW she was ready to go. I know now that I'm not sure I'm going to be able to deal with it.

"I just wanted to share. I'll call you later ok?" she asked.

"Yeah, of course," I answered.

We hung up and the kitchen was a mess. We had cooked brunch for our neighbors after a long night of drinking and funny movies. So I started to clean. I remembered how when I was young I used to do the same thing when I didn't know how to deal with what was going on inside. The boys got up and I asked about their book trying to be casual but I couldn't hold it in.

"She's leaving," I said to no one in particular.

"Yeah but you knew she was going," Jose answered. "It's not like you won't be able to see her you said you might have the chance to go out there."

"It's over Jose. It's over and this has been stupid from the start," I answered. I felt my tears come up. "It's always been fucken stupid."

I cleaned the remains of brunch of the plates and stared as the water ran over my hands. You are not going to cry. You are not going to cry because you knew it was going to happen. Not now....not after two weeks ago. Not now...not after the talks. Not now...not after feeling her lips against mine and her laying next to me. Not after hearing her say "I love you." Not now. Please. Not now.

I can't stop crying. I want to be happy for her I know it's what she needs. I want to not feel helpless. I want to feel indifferent but I can't help the pain inside. I can't help but feel like this has always been the dumbest idea ever. That the love I feel for her could possibly come together again only to be taken from me again. What did I do? What have I done? That the one thing that can save me and make me feel complete keeps walking away from me. Keeps taunting and haunting and hurting this way.

"Is this your way of dealing?" Rene asks.

"Yes," I said and I thought of that time when I let the water spill all over me when I was younger.

Time for a little truth

My godmother had a heart attack last week on Friday night. My godmother makes me feel loved unconditionally. She took me into her arms when I was six months old as my parents struggled to make a life for me here in the U.S. I was raised until I was six years old on an farm with her in poverty. I grew up among the hired help, chasing pigs and cows. I actually had a monkey as a pet. I used to climb trees when I didn't want to be found. Mostly when I was upset.

When my aunt called me Saturday afternoon eight days after it happened I totally lost control of myself. While I have had people pass in my life I couldn't for a moment imagine that happening to her. When I go back to Guatemala and she hugs me she holds me so close. So close and for as long as I need to be. I am 29 years old and this summer while we were there she still tucked me when I went to bed. She would kiss me on the forehead and tell me that she loved me. Saturday when I went to my parent's house to call and make sure that things were going to be ok I walked into my house and my blood mother didn't stop to ask me why I was crying. She pretended that nothing was going on. She went about her business of being an angry drunk.

I can't explain what empty feels like most of the time. It's this big hollow feeling inside and all your thoughts bounce of each other echoing and making the little things seem so much bigger than they really are. I'm used to her lack of emotion with me. I needed her to ask me that day. I needed to know that if anything ever happened to my godmother I still had a mother to comfort me. That wasn't the case.

When I came home after talking to my godmom and I cried. I cried cause I don't know what would happen to me if I lost my godmother. I cried because the person that is supposed to give us the most comfort in our time of need didn't offer hers to me. I cried cause I didn't want to compare them. I cried because I was acting immature with my sister and it took this sudden news for me to call her to tell her that I loved her. I cried because the only other person I could think of for comfort was HER. She couldn't pick up her phone and I knew she was at work but when she did get the message and she did call I laid into her for my pain. She didn't deserve it I'm sure of it now but at that moment I said things that I shouldn't have. Now I don't know if she'll ever speak to me again.

I caused that. Not because I wanted too but because I was angry and feeling more alone than I have in a long, long time. The boys have been great to me since Saturday. Jose had to deal with my tears most of the day Saturday. I told him what I told her and how she took it (not so good I should mention) and he kept trying to tell me it was for the best. I went to work that night to distract myself and when I strolled in at 3am to my empty bed I cried again. I can't take it back and I'm sorry is never going to be good enough.

Now she isn't coming to the engangement party and the last words she said to me were, "I'll talk to you when I talk to you." **click. I wonder if something happened to me tomorrow if she'll remember those words. Then I think of the things that I said and I want to take them back.

I wish I could just be by my godmother's side. I wish that I could step out of myself and just be happy. I will. I always do. Infact I'm on a plane next Monday night for a cross country trip with one of my favorite girls but I have to wonder if for the rest of my life I'll be running away from me.